Photoshopped by Jacob Cohen (COM '22)
Chase Madden (QST '20)

Chase studies finance at Questrom and undoubtedly would be placed in Slytherin because of it.

BU BEACH – In a remarkable turn of events, James Skyler (CAS ’20) found the lost city of Atlantis on an excavation at the BU Beach. After multiple big finds, including an Idaho state quarter from 2007 and various Rhett carcasses, BU is more than ecstatic to take ownership of the lost mythical city.

President Brown reportedly believes this to be a magical moment in BU’s history, and is already planning to make the fish people who inhabit the city of Atlantis students at BU.

“We are happy to welcome these new mermaids and mermen to our school,” said Tonya Johnson, Director of Admissions. “Our diversity rankings will sky rocket by having a new category of mythical fish creatures from a never seen underwater kingdom as a part of our statistics.”

“Our student body is not as diverse as we wish it was, and now that we have an entire city located directly beneath our campus that doesn’t have the freedom to go to any other school, we feel we can finally be a diverse school,” Johnson elaborated.

As the university prepares to send divers down to the city to help start the registration process, school officials are working out a way to help the new students adjust to life on campus. It has been confirmed that the school will repurpose an old Orca whale tank from SeaWorld and convert it into a lecture hall to make the new students feel at home.

In addition to the issue of adapting to life out of water, there are also questions of how the sea creatures will pay tuition.

“It’s a complicated situation because this society does not have access to modern money,” said James Wenzel, treasurer of Boston University. “So, at the moment we are looking at accepting either gold, pearls or active nuclear missiles from downed nuclear subs.”

As BU looks to become one of the most diverse schools in the country, they are sure to face some competition as Boston College is reportedly in talks to accept applications from mole people in the coming year.

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