by Ashley Vitarelli
Dearest Space Gray 13-inch MacBook Air User Two Rows Ahead of Me in Our Monday, Wednesday, Friday Introduction to [Redacted for Privacy] Lecture:
Allow me to introduce myself. I’m 11-inch Silver MacBook Air with Purple Case and #NotMyRodrick Sticker from the Absolute Last Row. You don’t know me, but I know you. And all too well, I’m afraid.
What an honor it is to finally speak to you. Honestly, I’m a little starstruck. I’ve been a fan ever since I spotted your brightness-all-the-way-up screen on the first day of class. Where do I even start? Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? I mean, I guess I could, but you and I both know that Shakespeare is far from your strongest suit. That was a really tough break on your Macbeth essay. And for what it’s worth, I think that your email to Professor Thomas was way too nice. If she approved your thesis then she needs to grade accordingly. You deserve better.
Speaking of deserving better, that guy you’re texting? [Redacted First Name Redacted Last Name]? Come on, you deserve better than him. I just can’t sit idly by and pretend that I don’t see his passive-aggressive two word replies to your more than justified paragraph text messages. You were so right to call him “strange and difficult to understand,” and your emoji use was immaculate. Full disclosure, if you hadn’t switched over to your Urban shopping cart*, I think I really could have gotten a better grasp of the situation we — I mean you — are dealing with and could provide even better advice.
*You should know: the orange sweater is a good call and for sure worth it with or without that coupon code that got denied. Related: I have an Urban coupon code that is valid through Thursday, let me know if you want it.
I want you to know that I will always be on your side and I will fight for you no matter what. That said, as your unofficial social secretary, I have a few notes on some of your more recent endeavors. First of all, I sincerely hope that a lot of people come out to your a cappella show! Really, I do. It’s just… the graphic you were photoshopping looked better with the yellow color scheme. I think it more accurately conveyed the fall mood and the spooky season setlist that you have planned. No hard feelings here, but next time, just ask me. Also, I feel it is my civic duty to inform you that the reservation you made for dinner next Friday is only going to let you down. The food is fine but the lighting is way off. Your phone will not want to eat first and your Instagram followers will, much like you at the restaurant, be left in the dark. Finally, as your friend I think I should tell you that your Halloween costume is not the look you think it is. You’re so much better than ironic minimalism and I would tell this to your face if you would just ask.
After you read this article, please flag me down in class so I can talk you out of buying that heinous jacket, and maybe we can discuss that internship interview you have coming up. Until then, thank you for keeping me sane three days a week. I’m wishing you all the best at registration (really unfortunate that you got the last time slot. I know you thought there was one more slot after you but there isn’t, you’re the last), and please give my best to the fam. I hope your sister hears back from Arizona State soon.
All my best,
11-inch Silver MacBook Air with Purple Case and #NotMyRodrick Sticker from the absolute last row
P.S. Please never approach me in class. Ever.