COLLEGE OF ARTS AND SCIENCES, ROOM 214 – Dear anyone willing to listen,
I’m alone. Ever since they slapped that “do not use” sign on me March 6th when everyone went home, it’s like I’m invisible. Even worse, when people look my way it’s like they just see a red flag all over me.
I used to be the favorite… now look at me. People LITERALLY walk right past me in the aisle just to sit down on that asshole seat 73, who isn’t even anything special. She’s so old and worn out that she squeaks whenever you make a move. How is that even enjoyable?? It can’t be. She’s so loud and obnoxious. It hurts so bad every time another one of you walks past with no hesitation, no remorse, and seemingly no recollection of the good times we shared together.
Tommy, if you are reading this… I’m disgusted by your actions. We had so many amazing moments together, baby. Don’t you remember Intro to Statistics? Every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday at 11:15 you would back that sweet ass up into my lap and your leg would start shaking SO hard. Every once in a while, you would even fall asleep on me. You looked so damn cute with your head on my armrest, mouth open and drool coming out.
But now, where are you when I need you the most? You only show up to a third of the classes and don’t even come to the back anymore. You just head STRAIGHT to the front row where you can stretch your legs out wide, cause you’re SUCH a big man now huh? One day you’ll be back. I know you better than anyone.
Maybe it’s time to just move on and accept the fact that I’ll forever be alone. And by that, I mean download Tinder. I’m sure I’ll see most of you on it.