On the third day of Senate Confirmation Hearings Judge Amy Coney Barrett found herself in a pickle. Nebraska Senator Ben Sasse asked Barrett to list the five freedoms guaranteed in the first amendment. Barrett began to shake her head in confusion, looking as if someone had just broken the news that Banana Republic filed for bankruptcy.
“What is the problem, Judge Barrett?” Senator Sasse asked.
“I’m not sure about the five freedoms,” Barrett admitted. “Would it be okay if I listed the Spice Girls in order of net worth instead?”
The room fell silent. Senator Lindsey Graham, who was secretly listening to Carly Rae Jepson’s 2019 masterwork, Dedicated, abruptly pulled out his Airpods in disbelief. Unable to read the room, Barrett proceeded to showcase her thorough knowledge of the hit English pop group, using her hand as a counting tool.
“Well, Posh definitely reigns supreme, but close behind her is Scary Spice. I’m not sure if any of you are in the Mel B hive, but they let anyone into her fan club. Trust me, I would know, but I digress,” Barrett asserted.
“In my opinion, Baby Spice and Ginger Spice are tied for third, and I don’t care to elaborate on my reasoning for this, Mitch McConnell. This leaves poor Sporty Spice in last place. I know she’s your favorite, Senator Ted Cruz, my apologies.”
Astonished by Barrett’s delusional perseverance, the Senate Republicans erupted in a chorus of Say You’ll Be There. It immediately became evident that the right supports cutting funding for the arts as there was no indication of a collective vocal warm-up.
At press time, Senator Cory Booker was seen storming out of the room repeatedly whispering “we’re so fucked” to himself.