By: Ogenna Oraedu
An anonymous source living on the Fenway campus has revealed to The Bunion that students are testing positive for a new sexually-transmitted disease.
“Honestly I’m not that surprised,” our source stated. “None of us really want to go anywhere because everything is too far, but no one wants to invite us anywhere because the rest of campus hates us.”
Acute Puerile Syndrome, or APS, first appeared in the CCSR dorms and then went on to spread like wildfire throughout the rest of the alienated area. Brooke Pilgrim (CGS ‘22), a resident who unfortunately contracted APS, told The Bunion what she thinks is the cause of the unfortunate outbreak.
“It’s literally like summer camp, but with co-ed floors. Which of course makes having sex with an entire suite in the span of, like, two weeks, really easy. Not that I did that. But let’s just say, hypothetically, if I got finger blasted by a guy only to find out he’d gotten with all of the girls on our floor, the girls on the floor above us, and the entirety of Pilgrim House, I’d be pretty pissed. Not that I’d know what that’s like though.”
In an email sent to the entire university, Dean Elmore described the outbreak as “American Pie Syndrome.” Which tells us that maybe the goober is actually more socially aware than we think he is. “We all know that CGS is basically high school 2.0,” he wrote. “What else are a bunch of hormonal 18/19-year-olds going to do in a building with essentially no security and nothing but time on their hands?” We couldn’t have said it better ourselves, Kenneth.
All the general public knows for certain about APS is that it’s fairly asymptomatic. It was first thought to make those infected seem more immature and insufferable to those around them, but researchers soon realized that it wasn’t the STD making them act that way, but the fact that they started college less than three months ago.
EDIT: After being studied by a 300-level biology course, it has been revealed that the only individuals who are at risk of contracting APS are those who “peaked in high school,” which unfortunately counts for a little over a third of Fenway residents. The Bunion recognizes the devastating nature of this news and will continue to provide support to the afflicted community at this time.