Photoshopped by Shannon Damiano (COM '22).
Emma Simonoff (COM '21)

Emma Simonoff is a Sophomore studying Film and TV.

Growing up in the late 90s and early 2000s, American Girls Dolls were a huge part of our intellectual and social education. They were a great way to learn about female role models throughout history. So let’s answer the question that’s on all our minds: what’re those girls up to now?

Felicity Merriman (born 1765)

Felicity was disappointed to learn that even when American became free from the British, she was still a woman in the 1700s. She married her fourth cousin, then died from childbirth and also smallpox and probably cholera.

Samantha Parkington (born 1895)

In 1912, Samantha was thrilled to get a coveted ticket on the legendary Titanic. Samantha was one of the lucky survivors of the crash. Unluckily, one year later she was killed in the lesser known Titwonik wreck of 1913. 

Josephina Montoya (born 1815)

Josephina was one of the oldest passengers on the Titanic. She survived the wreck only to pass away two months later because she was 97 years old.

Kirstin Larson (born 1845)

Kirstin was also on the Titanic. One of her perfect blonde braids got stuck in a turbine. She died a painful and horrific death.

Kit Kittridge (born 1923)

After surviving a depression, two world wars, and two more wars, Kit was killed in the 2008 housing crisis when, while walking along a New York City street, a fax machine was dropped out of an office window and onto her head.

Molly McIntire (born 1934)

After the war ended, Molly became a bit of a wild child. She joined the ranks of celebrities-who-have-committed-vehicular-manslaughter when she ran over fellow American Girl Rebecca Rubin. She was able to use her celebrity status to get off without jail time, but became a social pariah. Molly currently resides in sunny Palm Beach, six feet under the Golden Sands Cemetery. 

Julie Albright (born 1965)

Julie’s passion for social justice turned out to be just a phase. She became a staunch Republican and co-founded the Young San Franciscans for Reagan club at her high school. In 1985, Julie was murdered by the Golden State Killer.

My Just Like Me Doll (born 1998)

After breaking into my family’s safe and draining all our bank accounts, My Just Like Me Doll took a flight to Ontario and hasn’t been seen since. I don’t know if she’s dead, but I’d sure like to kill her. If you see a doll with brown eyes, brown hair, and a pink and purple pajama set with matching slippers, please call the hotline 1-800-JUS-TLME.

[UPDATE]: My Just Like Me Doll’s body was found at the bottom of the Hudson River. The cause of death is unknown.

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