COMM AVE — Many BU students rely on the Comm Ave Amazon Locker to pick up their household staples and late-night impulse buys, such as the 48 pack of Barnum’s animal crackers that I am feverishly shoving into my mouth right now. However, this campus staple will be leaving soon.
An official statement from Amazon HQ posted on the door states that: “We will be leaving our Boston University location because it does not reflect Amazon’s values. While we support the ethical treatment of workers, at least on Tuesdays, we do not condone unions.”
It seems that Amazon believes that the George Sherman Union, the popular student center only a few minutes away, is a real labor union, and they feel as if their employees will be corrupted if they spend too much time near a real union.
Amazon management notes that “Being near a union seriously conflicts with our mission of delivering quality products at a low price. In our case, unions do nothing but increase prices. We definitely treat our employees well. I’m sure the guy who went public about having to pee in a water bottle had a preexisting UTI or something. AKA, not our fault.”
Amazon made their announcement by switching the Amazon smile, that points from A to Z in their logo, to a frown that points from B to U.
President Brown, desperate to keep Amazon’s business, said he would be willing to change the name of the GSU, perhaps to the GS.
Many patrons were confused with Amazon’s statement of closure since it does not seem to be relevant to any happenings on BU’s campus, with the exception of the recent armed robberies of course. Perhaps Amazon is upset that someone else is stealing common folks’ wages?
When The Bunion contacted Amazon Locker’s employees for comment on the closure, no one was available. One of our employees went into the store, but everyone was too busy pissing in bottles in the back office.