LINDEN STREET—Yesterday terror struck the streets of Allston as several rats, once frozen in the snow banks of Boston, regained consciousness and entered the homes of Rat City.

“I was sitting on the sofa re-watching my favorite Christmas specials when there was a knock on the door,” said Vera Tyler (CAS ’15). “It was just one large Canada Goose jacket. Then one hundred rats unzipped the coat and scampered inside. That’s when I knew they were back.”

Other strategies that have been used by rats across the now flooded streets of Allston include half-frozen rats searching for parties with lukewarm mojitos, mice claiming to be the cryogenically kept head of Mickey Mouse, not to mention cans filled with a substance called “Ratty Ice.”

“Those guys are tricky. They’ll do anything to get back into peoples’ homes after that tough winter” shivered Frank “Definitely Human” Kline, rubbing his paws together and wiping his snout. “Still need a sub-letter for the summer?”

Frozen in ice for the last five months, the vermin have survived by eating cigarette butts and banana peels abandoned in the snow banks. They are hungrier than ever and desperate to find a good place to poop, preferably a pillow.

At press time, in the last snow pile on Brighton Avenue, a rat hand hangs from the frost. One little rat finger moves. Music grows. Blackout.

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