LINDEN ST.—Following his parents’ messy divorce, sources confirm that Steve Connors’ (COM ’16) will  be forced to participate in two Allston Christmas’s this year.

Steve spent the morning of Allston Christmas with his mother.

“You see darling, your dad is like one of these mattresses on the street, if enough people sleep on it who are not supposed to, the mattress is going to get ruined and old; and you’re going to throw it out of your house onto the street where it can rot and be picked up by some pretty twenty-year-old because that’s the only thing the mattress he ever wanted anyway,” she ranted while moving a cockroach infested mattress into her bewildered son’s room.

Steve spent a much less dramatic afternoon with his father, who offered up his opinion on the new living situation.

“It’s nice being able to spend time with my son without feeling wholly inadequate,” said Mr. Connors while struggling to preform the basic task of putting an Ikea desk together.

With the increasing rate of divorce in the United States many students are having their Allston Christmas ruined.

Sarah Shepherd from BU Student Health Services noted,” This time of year families should be sitting around a practically destroyed table scavenging for shitty furniture on Free and For Sale, not fighting over who should carry the couch to their son’s crap room that costs nine hundred dollars a month plus utilities.”

At press time, Steve was screaming, “You’re not my real dad!” at Dave, his mother’s new boyfriend. But at least he got two sets of presents.

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