In March of 1908, a labor movement led by women laid the groundwork for us to pop our pussies into better labor conditions and the right to vote. A little over a century later, we are trading texts for mediocre sex and reaffirming sexist stereotypes in this sacred month. Our suffragette HBIC, Miss Emmeline Pankhurst, would beat The Pinky Toe’s collective ass for our deplorable actions. So, to hold ourselves accountable and think about trying a little better next March, here are the ways that we at the Pinky Toe have disappointed women during the only 31 days that our actions mean anything.
- “I was going to break up with him, but he called me pretty for the first time.”
This staff member is in a situationship that can be categorized as “MID” on all aspects, and he’s a J name and Sagitarrius, so it should’ve been obvious from the start. But, damn, if that one bit of validation didn’t make up for the several instances the dumbass has mentioned different women in bed. You win some, you lose some.
- “I was driving the speed limit in the carpool lane.”
A bad driver, how unoriginal! Try being bad at your communications major, that might be a better personality trait. Other drivers got to blow past this staffer as they white knuckled the steering wheel and blasted “Enchanted” by Taylor Swift while their passengers banged on the windows, desperate for an escape. However, this staff member did piss off a Neo-Nazi in the process, so maybe this action has some merits.
- “I ghosted a woman on Snapchat.”
I know we as queer people are supposed to support our bretheren, but I am possibly the weakest link in my community. In March of all months, I ghosted a woman by refusing to open her Snapchat instead of breaking things off maturely and with respect. I feel as if I have insulted all women everywhere.
- “I looked up how to tell the difference between real and fake boobs while listening to the musical stylings of Trump supporter Toby Keith.”
I simply was curious. No ill-intent. No shame to those on either side of the boob spectrum. I merely was looking for scientific purposes–also because I met someone recently that made me go “huh?” Anyway, I am stepping away from society to learn and listen.
- “I listened to the West Side Story soundtrack on repeat. Especially the Ansel Elgort songs.”
I stayed away from the movie at first, because I knew it would get me into trouble. I have no desire to support that man. But one of my friends played the Tonight, Tonight song for me, and he has the voice of an angel. I couldn’t help myself. Before I knew it, I was watching the movie. I’m sorry. I would like to repent.
- “I told my friend her eyebrows looked like shit.”
This one isn’t bad when you look at it through a lens of protecting women. If my eyebrows looked like logs of shit I would want someone to tell me, so this one is actually kind of redeeming.
- “I decided I hated a girl because she was pretty and had an annoying voice”
Woah, how misogynistic! Clearly this queen did not deserve to get the hate that this staff member was sending her way, but in her defense, she is a messy bisexual who couldn’t figure out if she hated her, wanted to be her, or wanted her. Either way, this staff member regrets some things, but swears that if you heard this girl talk with her little platform loafers and bob haircut, you would be angry and confused too!
- “I gave head for over an hour…”
No, he was not my boyfriend. And no, he did not reciprocate. It went on for so long that I began to think about those wildfires in Australia where a bunch of koalas were killed because it was more enjoyable… Many ask, “Why didn’t you stop after 10 minutes?” And simply, my mother did not raise a quitter. I am sorry, women.