BREAKING: Watch out lads, ladies and gentlehumans of Comm Ave, sections of the population are under siege as a tragedy sweeps across campus. Men everywhere are pulling down there masks and flashing their upper lip decolletage for everyone to see!

It was a sad day for the population of People Attracted To Men at BU when the university announced that masks would no longer be required in most public spaces. Thus, the crisis began; men everywhere ripped off their masks and revealed to the world the patchiest and most unkept iteration of threadbare lip sweaters ever seen. 

Students everywhere lamented about this upsetting revelation; Suzette Queuetie (CFA ‘24) discovered that her studio crush was no longer the mysterious man of her dreams when she saw him walking out of class, mustachio’ed and all, “It’s honestly a travesty; I really thought he was different. Now, I have to wait for another guy to take his mask off out of class before I picture our first date to the MFA.”

This pandemic is not going unnoticed; there has begun massive campaigns to pass out razors and pamphlets with titles like “Sometimes a Mustache Isn’t Necessary” and “Please Shave, More People Will Be Attracted To You.” The community here on campus is united in fighting this cause. 

A representative from Freedom From the ‘Stache (FFS), who spoke to The Pinky Toe under the request of anonymity expressed anger at BU’s administration, “don’t they know that any man is willing to bare even the skinniest porn-stache without shame??”

As this barely-there lip hair chaos ensued, some wondered if a larger conspiracy was at play. Sources close to BU believes that the shift in mask policy came down directly from Mr. Monopoly,  President Daddy Brown himself, an anonymous note left under this writer’s stall door in the CAS bathroom read, “Daddy B wanted everyone to free the ‘stasch, so he could show off his own impressive facial topiary, good luck friends.”

At the time of publishing, this writer has decided to give up on men because a woman would never let her down like this.

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