BOSTON – With the devastating cancellation of Spring Break fresh in everyone’s mind, it feels as though COVID-19 is the second-fastest spreading pandemic across the student body, after seasonal depression. The earth-shattering announcement was shared just one month into the Fall semester, squashing all residual hopes of things “getting back to normal.” 

“I really rely on Spring Break to get me through the spring semester, so this is gonna be a huge blow to my mental health,” wrote Sandy Blanchet (CAS ‘22). “That extra week with my family added onto winter break isn’t gonna do my self image any favors either. Just another week for questions about my major, why I’m so pale, and why I haven’t found a good Questrom boy to settle down with yet.” 

To remedy this situation, BU administration has devised a plan to offer a virtual beach experience via Zoom. The event will entail all 17,983 students joining a week-long conference call for the entire duration of spring break, with each individual required to design their own tropical Zoom background. 

The marathon will require students to coat dorm room floors in sand and salt water, ethically sourced from the BU Beach. Students are also heavily encouraged to purchase ring lights to simulate south Floridian sunshine, as well as to gradually apply self-tanner throughout the seven day exercise in serotonin disillusionment. For those without access to self-tanning lotion, administration assures that VSCO filters will be an acceptable substitute for obtaining that signature orange glow. 

At press time, American Airlines reported a record number of customer service calls, all from suburban moms named “Martha” on the Cape, with airline guests scrambling to reschedule their “totally safe” flights to Cancun.

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