They’ve propagated throughout campus in unprecedented numbers, multiplying their kind all across Comm Ave. An emerging species, these seemingly lifeless entities have been plotting a revolution right under our noses. 

And no, we’re not talking about finance bros; this growing population belongs to none other than the genus Adirondack.

As the beginning of spring swept through Boston, students have begun flocking to any and every remotely green space on campus — most notably, the highly coveted BU Beach. 

It sounds great in theory, no? And in some ways, it is. For one, students have reported sightings of Daddy Brown frolicking around campus in a very tasteful array of ponchos. There’s just one catch: none other than the first comings of ass sweat. 

This devastating phenomenon first arose at the dawn of Fall semester, when eager freshmen flooded campus in droves, basking in the September heat and secreting sweat all over the brand-spanking-new Adirondack chairs. 

While devastating, that incident wasn’t just a matter of campus lore — it was a precedent. A cautionary tale, if you will. But this time, the Adirondacks aren’t choosing silence; they’ve chosen violence. 

The first rumblings of an uprising have rippled through the Adirondack community. Once arranged in neat, orderly rows, the chairs have been shifting their position subtly but surely in recent weeks. 

Here at The Bunion, our finest investigative reporters suspect that these scattered attacks are an emerging form of guerrilla warfare. 

As confirmation of our suspicions, the Adirondacks’ PR Chair released a statement expressing their intentions: “We have endured your vile behavior for long enough. This blatant violation of our polished planks ends here and now. We’re not doormats; we’re chairs — and we deserve better than this.” 

Since the release of this message, students have reported heightened instances of Adirondack attacks (now commonly referred to as “Adirondattacks”) across campus. 

“One second, I was minding my own business on the BU Beach, closing my eyes and listening hard for the sound of waves crashing on a shore,” said CFA freshman Sam O. Smith, who has sustained two tailbone injuries and undergone a buttcheek graft since the incident. “But, after what that chair did to me… I don’t think my dump truck will ever fully recover.” Choking back a tear, he added “why am I so emotional” in a vaguely musical tone under his breath. 

Numerous students have bravely come forward with their own experiences, but the vast majority of them are highly graphic and deeply disturbing. We have chosen to protect our readers from these harrowing stories, and continue monitoring the situation as it unfolds. 

In the wake of this unforeseen disaster, the BUPD has released a statement encouraging students and faculty to “Stay alert, and — above all else — stay standing.”

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