GEORGE SHERMAN UNION—Local eyewitness reports say an absolute freak has been spotted eating at the GSU Pinkberry in the middle of winter.
Sources describe this utter aberration as a “mild-mannered woman on a hellbent quest to destroy all that is holy in this beautiful green Earth by eating a mediocre frozen treat in the middle of one of history’s coldest winters.”
“I saw that mutation just casually walk up to the Pinkberry and ask for a Peanut Butter Chocolate Shake, meanwhile she was buried in like three different coats,” reports Cadence Jegger (ENG ‘21) in a BUPD crime note. “This weirdo is clearly cold, but she still wants to drink something chilly?”
The fact that the anomaly was wearing multiple layers of winter gear yet still ordered a cold beverage is one of the many reasons why this woman raises concerns to the public. Bystanders—particularly Pinkberry workers—have described the general GSU area as “unsafe,” “unwelcoming,” and “the Home of BU’s Frozen Yogurt Malformation”.
Vanessa Roberts (CAS ‘19) is one of the three poor Pinkberry workers forced to fulfill the orders of this “deviation of a human being.”
“Every day, without fail, that monster shows up exactly at 3:33pm and orders the same godforsaken milkshake,” sobbed Roberts in an exclusive interview with The Bunion. “That hideous frost monster has taken us hostage and is more than happy to make us do her every whim.”
At press time, BUPD has issued a warrant for this woman’s arrest and have been rumored to be working closely with corporate Pinkberry offices to pull off a sting operation. Authorities advise to stay clear of the Pinkberry area until further notice.