COM LAWN — POV: You’re minding your own business, enjoying a nice lunch in between classes. Suddenly, your vision is eclipsed by a blinding force, could it be the sun is out in Boston? No! Preposterous! It’s winter! Your mind starts reeling, asking questions you don’t remember coming up in third grade science class. “Is the sun usually that hairy?” “Why is the sun this close?” “Has the sun always been covered in split ends and just completely fried?”
If Bill Nye taught me anything, it was that I had to get a closer look. As I started walking closer, I noticed dandruff, and then I realized…this was NO sun. But a man. A blonde man. But wait. He isn’t the only one. I whip my head around and notice that the entire COM lawn is covered with them. And we all know how trendy the COM kids are… it’s only a matter of time before the rest of campus is infested with Timberlake-wannabe frosted tip bros.
I urgently bust out my mask, refusing to catch whatever airborne illness has misguided all of these blonde “men.” I instantly become the female Dr. Fauci because I have no choice – the universe chose me. I must take matters into my own hands and administer the vaccine: running around campus with a mirror showing all of these delinquents how bad they look.
My mirror vaccine does nothing, they are all too powerful. Must be the bleachicron variant. The government constitutes travel bans to all CVS hair dye aisles.