Photoshopped by David Simon (COM '21).
Emma Simonoff (COM '21)

Emma Simonoff is a Sophomore studying Film and TV.

His quotes were used in every 2000s sitcom and by every 2000s pre-teen. He is arguably more prolific than Mark Twain, Emily Dickinson, and Shakespeare combined (all of whom No One Ever has called “talentless hacks”). A cultural commentator and a pillar of culture himself, No One Ever was the anti-voice of a generation.

No One Ever was born No One Ever the Second in Teenybop, Nebraska to parents Ted and Nancy. He was named after his grandfather, the great minor league basketball player No One Ever the First, who Mount Everest was named after. No One Ever the First was a towering nine feet and three inches, which perplexed doctors and terrified children. Because of his abnormally tall height, people would look at the highest peak and say it was the “Ever-est” of mounts. And the name stuck. 

Massive shoes to fill, No One Ever the Second became known for his speaking at a young age. When given a BLT sandwich in the cafeteria, “I hate bacon,” said No One Ever. With those words, a legend was born. His musings and opinions would spread through his elementary school and then into the next town and the next until it made its way to Hollywood.

“Pizza sucks,” said No One Ever. “I think Rachel and Chandler should get together,” said No One Ever. “I wish George W. Bush was my dad,” said No One Ever. By the time he graduated, he was the most loved/hated person in the country. The first anti-hero. Before there was Walter White, there was No One Ever. And he didn’t need drugs to be bad. 

In college, many wondered what would come for No One Ever next. His words had already crossed boundaries, been uttered by the lips of legends like Kevin James and Mary Kate or Ashley. The world held its breath in anticipation of his next great bad opinion.

Instead, No One Ever sold out.

Quotes pronouncing oddly specific opinions started spreading around. “I hate cheap, high quality gas,” said No One Ever, bringing confusion. “I have no interest in saving fifteen percent on auto insurance in fifteen minutes,” said No One Ever, bringing wonder. “Who would ever want to give a Kar for Kids,” said No One Ever, bringing fury. Eventually, it became too obvious to ignore that No One Ever had gone corporate, that he was being paid to say the wrong thing to advertise for The Man. 

Leave a Reply