Photoshopped by Jacob Cohen (COM '22)

Baseball is America’s pastime but what better way to pass the time than by spending an exorbitant amount of money! Student John ‘Papi’ Kirk (CAS 21) is doing both, and loving every minute of it.

Papi, who is paying $70,000 a year to attend a school has decided that the discounted Red Sox ticket he is able to receive is a great bargain. Baseball games only drone on for a couple hours, and he gets to wear his favorite pair of red socks to support the team. It doesn’t matter that the red sox merch he owns cost an additional $50k, because he has a discount on tickets and that is all that matters.

Money is fun to spend. Especially if it’s on discounted Red Sox tickets, “I’m willing to spend whatever I need to just so I can get those $9 tickets” Papi states. People have been spending money for hundreds of years. “Currency connects the world. But what is even better than spending money? Baseball!”

To Papi, it’s more than just baseball. He told the Bunion he is able to get certain, pleasures, out of watching the game. A valid argument for spending $70k.

Papi knows the math isn’t sound, but still feels its a good investment to pay an exorbitant amount of money to watch a baseball game behind a seat with an obstructed view. “I chose to come to BU specifically for the red sox tickets. I don’t even go to classes or the bathroom.”

Boston University has stated that due to the passion of John ‘Papi’ Kirk for discounted Red Sox tickets and the deal he seems to be getting, they will be increasing his tuition by ten thousand dollars. The school cites Kirks unbelievable stupidity as precedent for their actions.

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