Photoshopped by Emmie Phillips (COM '22)
Ethan Brown (COM/CAS '21)

Ethan is a sophomore from Bethel, CT studying Film & Television and Environmental Analysis & Policy.

722 COMM AVE—Showing the world that chivalry is not dead after all, local 722 Comm Ave resident Les Dormz (SHA ‘20) spent his Valentine’s Day preparing a gourmet candlelit meal for his girlfriend and self-proclaimed “soulmate” in hopes of giving her the exceptional day she deserves.

“I’m really bringing the heat this year,” remarked Dormz as he poured the cognac into his garlic shrimp flambe. “If she ever had doubts about my eternal love for her, I guarantee that today will extinguish them.”

“Our flame will never flicker,” added the amazing whitestone resident, whose manners exceed anything his mother could even have fathomed teaching him. “Tonight’s gonna be lit.”

As if his delicious feast didn’t already prove that Cupid is alive and thriving, Dormz then proceeded to decorate his apartment for the upscale Valentine’s supper, crafting a beautiful Medieval tapestry out of twigs, paper, aerosol cans, bourbon, paint thinner, and lighter fluid. He then loosely hung some lifesize posters on the wall, including a picture of him and his very fortunate girlfriend on their first date nine days prior.

“I’d tried Tinder with no success for years, but then, finally, something ignited the flame: a match,” explained the courtliest man in the world, going so far to make it a special evening that he voluntarily threw his fire extinguisher out the window because it “didn’t fit the Valentine’s Day aesthetic.”

When his girlfriend, Shirley R. Sinn (CAS ‘20), arrived at the scene, she was absolutely floored by Dormz’s uplifting gesture.

“Holy smokes!” exclaimed Sinn after Dormz whipped off her blindfold in a tear-jerkingly romantic surprise to reveal his day’s hard work.

The real life Disney prince then presented the luckiest woman in the world with her Valentine’s Day present: a tub of gasoline. “This is to remind you that you keep the engine of my heart ablaze,” Dormz poetically wrote in the accompanying card.

Dormz then led Sinn over to the dinner table, which he had lined with every single flavor of Yankee Candle they’ve ever manufactured in history, which he noted was a perfect representation of their burning desire to be together.

“Les was really on fire tonight,” said Sinn in an text to The Bunion while she snuck off for a quick second for what she told him was a bathroom break. “I hope he isn’t burnt out after all that.”

“There’s just such a spark between us,” added the girlfriend of the man who will ruin all other men for eternity. Sinn was especially enthused by the homemade bananas foster her noble boyfriend cooked for dessert.

At press time, the greatest creation ever sent from the heavens since the dawn of time was seen carrying a stack of logs into his living room, making mention of “snuggling up by the campfire and eating s’mores.”

Leave a Reply