1. Your high school crush
Yes! Finally! These semesters in another city have paid off. He must have been following your instagram transformation from kind of weird to hot, funny, and cool and he’s totally into you now! Wait, hold on. He just messaged back to ask if you want to buy weed, as a friend.
2. The family friend you used to take baths with
You didn’t recognize him at first, but trade instas, stalk a lil bit, and BAM. A baby pic. You’d know that tush anywhere, even when your moms had tastefully covered it with a bath toy.
3. Matthew mccaunahey in “dazed and confused”
Alright, alright, alright. Wait, isn’t this the guy who said that the best thing about high school freshman is that while he gets older they stay the same? Yeah, that’s cancelled.
4. your old babysitter
Awww, she remembers you! But will she want to roleplay…
5. the town jester
Lucky you! He’ll jingle-jangle his way right into your heart. Just don’t contract the black plague when canoodling with this medieval machiavellian monsieur.
6. your old english teacher
Yikes! He was hot but that’s kinda weird. Oh wait, this was already an episode plotline on Broad City.
7. your cousin
Sweet home, Alabama.