Photoshopped by Shannon Damiano (COM '22).
Emma Simonoff (COM '21)

Emma Simonoff is a Sophomore studying Film and TV.

1. molten brownie

This mug of piping hot batter will burn your tongue, your mouth, and your esophageal wall. Rumor has it HBO used this cake to tar and feather a guy on that Paul Giamatti John Adams show.

2. vanilla birthday cake

Not only does this revolting cake taste like scorched canola oil, it also has the texture of wet scrambled eggs! Make it for that friend you don’t really like that much but pretend to for the sake of the squad.

3.  vegan peanut butter muffin

After you take your one bite of this muffin paste, we suggest upcycling the rest. The absolutely gummy texture would make a great Elmer’s Glue substitute or dehydrating face mask.

4. apple crisp

This apple crisp has the potential to be delicious. Thank God it has four egg whites for no reason!

5. mac n’ cheese

Although mac n’ cheese technically isn’t a cake, if you close your eyes, this one tastes exactly like Mary Berry’s black forest gateau.

6.  red velvet cake

This cake is perfect for murdering some asshole with a Red Dye 40 allergy. Or anyone who eats it.

7. carrot cake

This carrot cake tastes like carrot cake. Barf.

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