Celebrity crushes are often labelled as “unrealistic expectations” or “unattainable,” but let’s be honest, we see people land celebrities all the time. Hell, just this year it made headlines when Australian server Vanessa Valladares started dating Zac Efron and made every woman across the globe shout out, “It could have been me!” But Valladares is also a super skinny, tan model so like… could it have been?
And that is why I always keep my celebrity crushes realistic. Before plastering men’s photos on my wall of my closet (where I can hide them with dignity like the mature adult woman I am), I ask myself, “If this man met me in real life, would he laugh at the idea of us having sex?” And that way, I’ve been able to compile a concise list of average-looking celebrities that I know I could land.
1. Bill hader
My number one. I am convinced that we are soulmates and know that his anxiety would make him think that he couldn’t do any better than me. He’s unconventionally attractive and extremely neurotic, which all means that trapping him would be so damn easy. Really we just have to get over the age difference and the fact that he’s a super rich, successful guy who has a couple of kids to protect from potential gold diggers and weird 24-year olds with improve-dude kinks (I deserve the bullying; please lay it on).
2. stanley tucci (with his shirt on)
Stanley Tucci is a hottie with a body, and that body would want nothing to do with my squishy self. But he’s sweet and humble and bald. I know that as long as he wasn’t showing off his arms – and as long as I was in some sort of super sexy, chunky sweater or something – I’d have the confidence to seduce him with my personality. Some guys are into brains and tits, and Tucci is probs one of them, which means I have this in the bag.
3. charlie day
4. steve carell circa 2007
2007 Steve Carell was still gawky, awkward, and figuring out that his The Office money could help him age more gracefully. He still had some of the bulk of being a young hockey player (which is the easiest fun fact about yourself to get me into bed with you) and had just gotten his hairline from The Office season 1 fixed. I am a walking Steve Carell simp account, but 2007 Carell is the most averagely-attractive version of him I could land. 2020 Steve Carell is a totally different story, and that story would be titled “Daddy.”
5. michael cera
In a world full of skinny white boys, why not choose the most average ones you can find? He’s a brand of charming that begs the question: is he cute or am I in real physical danger? Cera, with no social media and the willing participation in a long-running joke with Seth Rogan, James Franco and friends about being the biggest douchebag in the business, is an enigma. Who is he really? Let’s be honest; I don’t care that much. I could definitely get with him.
6. thomas brodie-sangster
Quite literally still looks like a child… like, seriously, has he gained any weight since Love, Actually? I’d actually be afraid to hook up with this one because if I got on top he might go into cardiac arrest. I think that the mustache is working for him though, better than Michael Cera and oh my god, do I have a thing for mustaches? Anyways, I’m mostly just upset that his leather cowboy wardrobe in The Queen’s Gambit had me thirsting after the same dude that voiced Ferb on Disney Channel.
7. this man that is constantly in the news for planting giant vegetables
We would really just live a happy life together growing giant veggies and living in a perfect little cottagecore home. Of course, he’d never understand what “cottagecore” means no matter how many times I explain it to him. I’ve never wanted a man so badly in my life.