My daughter is never ever allowed to date a skater boy. Under no circumstances will Esmeralda Renesme Chalamet go out with some beaning-wearing, shaggy-haired fuck. In fact, I would let her date a man in his nineties. Please enjoy this compilation of 6 World War II veterans, any of whom I would choose for my daughter over some jackass in a Mountain Dew-stained Thrasher sweatshirt.  

  1. Richard

Richard was born in 1928, which makes him 93 years-old this March. Richard enlisted in the Navy and fought in the Pacific theater between 1943 and 1944. He injured his left shoulder but he was otherwise unscathed. My daughter could give him neck massages sometimes! Today, Richard enjoys watching the news and racially profiling the mailman.

  1. Edward

Edward is 96, gay, and a priest. Maybe not an ideal background but he’s honestly a really sweet guy. Would definitely trust him to take my daughter out. 

  1. A War Pigeon (Literally Any War Pigeon of Any Gender Identity)

Carrier pigeons count as World War II Veterans. And yes, you heard that correctly. I would rather have my daughter date an actual bird that a scumbag who skates. War pigeons flied hundreds of miles and saved hundreds of human lives. A skater boy showers every 4 days.

  1. Franklin

Franklin was a British citizen who sold military secrets to the German government. He got caught and spent a long time in prison for treason. I hope you know how serious I am when I say my daughter will sooner date a war criminal than a skater boy. 

  1. Captain Von Trapp from the Sound of Music


  1. Johann Ludwig Schulz

Johann immigrated to Argentina in the mid-1940s. It’s better not to ask what side of the war this foxy 102-year-old fought on. And it’s better not to know. Regardless, I would support his relationship with my daughter. I would sooner fly her to Argentina before I let her go on one date with some sicko who hangs out in parking lots. 

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