1. Save up those convenience points and instead eat lunch from the compost bin in the GSU.
Budgeting can be tough, but luckily the GSU has a “Compost” section next to every trash can so that you can take a free meal whenever you want! Some great finds you might see in one of these bins include apple cores, plastic forks (made from cornstarch for compost), and on a good day, coffee grounds. Like mom always says, if it’s biodegradable, you can probably digest it.
2. Find and memorize your roommate’s mother’s maiden name and social security number.
In order to prevent getting off on the wrong foot with your new roomie, show them how much you care by doing some research before arriving at school and spout fun facts about them like their mother’s maiden name and social security number. They will be super impressed and glad that they got randomly selected to share a Warren double with you instead of fucking Sandra.
3. Prepare for Boston’s upcoming winter by cutting off all of your fingers and toes.
Boston winters can get pretty chilly according to all of your family and friends who have never actually been here. Be prepared and get a head start by removing the weaker extremities. Preventing your phalanges from getting hypothermia is as easy as cutting them off! This way, when it’s 15 degrees outside and hailing sideways in your face and you think, “Oh my God, it’s so cold I can’t feel my fingers!” you’ll be comforted in knowing that it’s because you don’t have any.
4. Don’t be afraid to make new friends.
If ever there was a time for you to get over your fear of spiders, it’s now. Remember, they’re just as afraid of you as you are of them. Better hurry, or they’ll be slim pickins come November.
5. Drop all your classes.
College is all about learning how to manage your time efficiently; why waste time on all those pesky lectures? All graduates say that college is less about the actual material you learn and more about learning how to learn. Learning is when someone says something you didn’t know and now you know it because they said it. Learning is easier when you don’t know things, and nothing makes not knowing things harder than going to classes!
6. Just go home.
There’s no telling what kind of fun you’ll have this upcoming year. No sense in ruining the surprise by actually living it! You’ll have an even better time imagining what could have been.