Photoshopped by Jacob Cohen (COM '22)
Iya Hawkins (COM '20)

Iya Hawkins is a junior transfer from NYC studying Film & TV. Fish are friends not food. She's also a pescatarian.

So, your TA superliked you on tinder. It’s a traumatic experience, but we’re here to help you get through it.

1. Drop out of school

Leave school and never come back! Going back to class would be way too awkward and if you end up dropping one class, why not drop all the rest? That’s right, give up on your dreams and forfeit the rest of the money you spent on the semester.

2. Propose to them

Why fight it? We both knew this was going to happen… I say just go with it! First measure their ring size in class and tell them it’s for a project, they’ll believe you because your a great liar, I mean actor. Next go to Jared’s and get a ring. Now you’re all set! But don’t forget to get a sky banner, that’ll be sure to land you an A in class.

3. Stage an intervention in discussion section A1

None of this seems right, you should tell the other students in your discussion section and stage an intervention. Allow all the students to voice their concerns about your TA’s swiping habits. If your TA feels uncomfortable or attacked they might run, so be as gentle as possible. What’s most important is that you get them the help they need!

4. Hire a Hitman

Look, you have a problem, why not face it head on? Hire a hitman to get rid of him/her! Be sure to pay in cash so it can’t be traced back to you. And don’t worry your TA will never see it coming, so you’ll have the element of surprise on your side. “Surprise, you’re dead!”

5. Fake your own death

It’s time to leave your old identity behind and go on the run. Be sure to make everyone think your dead by dramatically faking your death before running away. This means getting a dead body from your local morgue and staging it as yourself, assuming a new identity, and then booking a flight somewhere nice, but preferably warm. Maybe Brazil? It’s a fairly simple, four-step process.

6. Train the local turkeys by your house to fight your TA (Form a Turkey Army??)

Befriend one of the turkeys you see by your house and after gaining his trust, he’ll introduce you to his friends. Once you become friends with all the other turkeys, inform them of your plight, and they will understand what it is they need to do. Begin to train day and night, in an effort to build the strongest turkey army the world has ever seen. Eventually, they will be ready to fight the TA upon your command.

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