Photoshopped by Maddy Schmidt (COM '21)
David Hou (CAS '22)

David is a freshman from Rowland Heights, CA (just outside of LA!) studying Medical Science in the College of Arts and Sciences.

Now that next year’s tuition has been raised to $72,052, it begs the question: how can you spend $72,052 without subjecting yourself to another year of torture? Here’s our rundown of six things you can buy instead of tuition!

1. A Lifetime Supply of Smirnoff

It’s more effective at drowning out your worries than an unemployment check, and will get you into more parties than your BUID ever will.

2. A Two-Year Lease on Creative Office Space in New York City

With an actual physical location, you can now pretend your degree in Australian puppetry actually got you a job! Also, it doubles as a home away from home so you can say you aren’t living with your parents.

3. At Long Last, Health Insurance and Medication

With college tuition out of the way, you finally have the money to pay for something you actually need. It even includes a psychiatrist with a shorter waiting time (read: one month) than SHS!  

4. Fees for a Professional Matchmaker To Make You a Trophy Spouse

Now you won’t have to go to college! Because, let’s face it, it’s much easier to live off of someone else’s money than your own.  

5. 7,000 Little Hats

7,000 little hats, what can you do with them? Pass them out at the GSU, wear them at the next Fenway Park game, whatever you want to do with them!

6. $72,052 to Spend on Plane Tickets Back Home and Whatever Else You Want

If you’ve read this far down this list, you should really reconsider if this is really what you want to be doing with your money and get the heck out of here before your GPA is too low to transfer anywhere else. And… while you’re here, give the rest of your money to me for safekeeping. You obviously aren’t good at spending it.

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