Photoshopped by David Simon (COM '21).

We’ve all been there. Your friends come over, drunk of course, and insist upon watching something on your forcefully shared Disney+ account. You oblige, as your mother didn’t raise a stingy hostess, and turn on the TV only for your peers to select a Dr. Seuss film. The opening credits roll and, as the motion picture progresses, you can’t help but notice a dampness in your pants that seems to grow with every passing second. You jump as the characters on the screen exclaim “HORNY!” even though you could’ve sworn the elephant’s name was Horton. Without further ado, I present the 5 most personally arousing moments from this 2008 family feature film.

1. The first time we saw The Speck

What a rush. That microscopic particle reminded me of all the unfertilized eggs in my ovaries and immediately pushed my menstrual cycle into the ovulation stage. I’m now ready to become a mother and my partner and I are no longer using birth control.

2. The Mayor, Ned McDodd

Everything this man did was sensual. The shape of his head was rather phallic, which should tell you everything you need to know.

3. The Kangaroo

That’s her name, I Googled it. Due to how regularly she degrades Horton, we can logically assume that her main source of income is from her dominatrix career. This then raises the question of who can provide me with her contact information. Sincerely, a bottom.

4. Dr. Mary Lou Larue

Did somebody say women in STEM? Nothing I love more than a strong woman in the lab who tells a man his world will soon come tumbling down around him. Mary Lou, I love YOU!

5. Horton, Who Heard a Who

Like I said: Horny. His ass is voluptuous, his personality is large, and his heart is roughly the size of a 1986 Chevy Impala. He’s the perfect man.

6. BONUS Dr. Seuss Cinematic Universe Character: Audrey from The Lorax

Taylor Swift, I am free on Tuesday if you would like to hang out on Tuesday when I am free to hang out on Tuesday when I am free.

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