The supreme Swiftie overlord herself, Taylor Swift, dropped “Red (Taylor’s Version)” last week, and naturally the world lost its shit; rightfully so, (Taylor’s Version) just makes everything that woman touches magic. In my professional opinion, I think everything would be better as (Taylor’s Version), but these are just the top priorities:
- Men: We all watched the “All Too Well” short film and felt violated watching 30-year-old Dylan O’Brien make out with literal teenager Sadie Sink. But I stand by the belief that all men would be slightly more tolerable if they were written and directed by Taylor Swift. I don’t trust Taylor to entirely rid the world of toxic men (she knows we love a little drama in our lives), but I am confident that she would mold men into the perfect person to be screaming and fighting and kissing in the rain.
- The little voice in your head that tells you no one likes you: To be completely honest, if the voice in my head sounded like Ms. Swift herself, I might actually listen to it (against all logic and good judgement). Blondie writes some great lyrics about hating some guy or being jealous of that girl, but imagine if all that lyrical genius was going on in your mind. I fully believe that I would hate myself a little bit more, but at least everything would sound really Sad, Beautiful, Tragic.
- PMS: The whole menstrual cycle could definitely benefit from a (Taylor’s Version), but PMS in particular sounds much more manageable behind the soundtrack of Red (Taylor’s Version). There is a range of emotions that really sums up that week of total hell that I feel T-Swift just really gets it. No one does emotionally volatile women quite like Taylor Swift.
- My relationship with my father: As someone who did not group up on a Hallmark card, Christmas tree farm (unlike Blondie), I have massive daddy issues. I feel like my distant father could really use the whimsy of Taylor Swift, especially as a man who has been married three times, I know he has enough material for at least one album. I need the fatherly energy and support of Mr. Swift pushing CDs and merch like crack in my life.
- The British monarchy: If I know one thing, the Queen of Girlbossery, Queen Elizabeth has to be a swiftie. It’s just a feeling in my bones, but this woman definitely ate up “evermore” and owns That Scarf. The Queen would love to have Tay-Tay and her British boy-toy Joe Alwyn visit her and her 22 corgis to discuss various Swiftie theories. Without Harry and Megan, Taylor Swift is the only one who could single-handedly revitalize the monarchy.
I have reached out to Taylor’s team myself since writing this article, and they did confirm that the remakes of some of these items are in the works but denied to disclose which in particular (fingers crossed for PMS, personally). Whatever Lord Swift herself decides, I will blindly listen to anything she puts out because I am a sheep that would follow her until the end of the Earth.
Note to the editor: since the publishing of this article, the author claims she has since been (Taylor’s Version)’ed and is entering her “Reputation” era.