by Max Pociask

POV: It’s Sunday. You, Kyle, are a 19-year-old resident of Allston: Rat City. You’ve been invited to a watch party by a group of self-described “🦋🍃🌷✨” girls from your writing class, and are wondering what to eat for the “Big Game.” Here’s your definitive guide to what NOT to bring.

5. Beer of any kind.

This is not the friend group for that one, Kyle. When was the last time you saw anyone with multicolored eyeliner drinking an IPA? Seriously, this one is pretty obvious to avoid.

4. Any Oreos Other Than The Lady GaGa Ones

While an uninventive football game might be okay with regular oreos, this is Euphoria. The second season started with a 12 year-old killing someone with a hammer. Give us the damn pink cookies.

3. Fried Pickles

While watching a football game might seem like the ultimate sausage fest, the amount of *ahem* “Pickles” captured with masterful cinematography in Euphoria is on an entirely different level. If you bring these, the watch party will be reminded of that one episode, and that other episode, and that other episode with like 30 dicks in one shot.

2. Roast Beef Sandwiches

Have you ever seen a person in fishnets at an Arby’s? Wait. Have you ever seen a single person at an Arby’s? I actually think that Arby’s might be a giant money laundering scheme for the cartel or something. Regardless. Don’t bring these.

1. White People Taco Dip

This is a show about high-school juniors doing fentanyl, but the amount of mayo you put in this thing is still more disturbing to me. Your lack of spice will not be tolerated.

At the end of the day, you’re still watching a show about sweaty closeted men and underpaid women in tight outfits. Most other snack options will be just fine. 

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