For some people, hooking up on campus can be a daunting endeavor. Maybe you don’t like to go out to parties, or you just don’t have any good photos to use on Tinder. If that’s the case, the Bunion has good news for you. The piano in the GSU is beckoning for you to play it, and if you can play it well, you’re guaranteed drown in an endless sea of sex. Here’s a list of the pieces we recommend:

1. “Say Something” – A Great Big World, Christina Aguilera

What’s the difference between using a song to communicate relationship sorrow and using a song for sex? We don’t know! Play this one and your date will drag you to their dorm.

2. “City of Stars” from La La Land

This one’s actually quite simple. All you have to learn is the left hand part of this song, because your partner will just sing the melody on their own. And if they don’t, they’re clearly an uncultured swine and you should never see them again.

3. “All Mine” – Kanye West

Playing both hands of this intricate piece will prove to your date that you can “focus on two things at once.” And in all honesty, this one isn’t too difficult to learn. Just improvise the bass line with some easy octaves. Practice this piece often, because if you play it well enough, your date might “let you hit it raw, like fuck the outcome,” as Kanye says.

4. Chopin’s Ballade No. 1 in G minor

Yeah, we know this is literally one of the most difficult pieces in the history of piano literature, and its complexities weren’t designed for the GSU piano’s upright design which has an inferior counterweight system to a grand piano. And yes, we know that Władysław Szpilman played this piece in Nazi-occupied poland thinking a German officer would kill him once he finished it, so any attempt to play this in the hopes of ephemeral sexual pleasure would be a middle finger to the legacy of one of the most legendary pianists ever.

But hey, some person from Mugar put the sheet music to this piece on the piano, so fuck it. It’s what Chopin would have wanted.

5. Africa – Toto

This one speaks for itself.

Leave a Reply