You know you’re not flawed. You’re perfect. Yet, you don’t know why you’re single. You’re pretty sure it’s everyone else’s fault because you’re a catch and a half. Like, you are not to blame.

Without further ado, here are 5 reasons that you’re still single that are actually everyone else’s fault.

  1. Your ass is too fat and it intimidates everyone you meet

People say that they want ass, but for some reason they don’t want mine. I’m convinced it’s because it’s too juicy. Unfortunately, I can’t go into a Bath and Body Works because I knock everything over. I haven’t bought soap in years.

  1. You can’t find a guy who will match your pre-existing aesthetic

Your Instagram is a mosaic. There is no need to waste time on a basic man who still refuses to cuff his jeans. If we’re being honest, that’s why none of these guys stay: you just can’t let him wear Under Armour pants next to your incredible look. 

  1. The Ol’ Rona 

If we didn’t have to wear masks, you would totally be getting hit on in every coffee shop, bookstore, bowling alley, and grocery store frozen food aisle. 

  1. You Don’t Want to Start WW3

All the guys on campus are so in love with you that they know that if one of them tried to make a move, it would cause an all out brawl, prompting the start of WW3. Therefore, by being single, you’re saving millions of lives. World peace > your love life is a sacrifice that you’re willing to make since you’re such a great person.

  1. Your obsession with early 2010’s Nickelodeon shows

It’s 100% not your fault that no one else has taste these days. iCarly and Big Time Rush were staples to our middle school years, and I don’t care what anyone else says. Who doesn’t want to relive those years? It’s not like you were bullied for being obsessed with Nickelodeon then (you definitely were). So why do people care now?


  1. You can’t find anyone who you’d feel comfortable in a human centipede with

Put simply, not everyone is built for this challenge.

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