By Jacob Nesson
Let’s face it…transitioning back to in-person classes has been shit. Although the majority of us have crawled out of our numbing depression from spending 22 hours a day in Warren Towers, that doesn’t mean we don’t deserve a Wellness Day again. I hate to break it to those of you betting on that singular decompresser per semester, but it’s not happening. Instead, we must take action into our own hands. We could petition for change OR we could be smart, finding loopholes in the system. If we get COVID, that’s a mental health day, eh? Sure, you might risk hospitalization and long term health issues that nobody knows about, but that’s nothing compared to sitting in Econ on a Friday afternoon. Here are the best ways to efficiently get COVID on campus:
- Fuck the COVID Test Administor(s): Who are the people closest to students testing positive?? That’s right…the COVID Test Administrators. You’ve already made tense, sexual eye contact with them at least once this month, so it’s time to make your move. Have sex with one of these workers, or multiple if you want to increase your chances. Since you’re already at 808 Comm Ave, why not do it in the Howard Thurman Center?? As long as you’re not studying, you won’t be allowed to be kicked out!
- Scale an Isolation House Building: Finally, a chance to become a real superhero. Grab your suction cups (or your roommates’ plunger if you don’t have one) and get climbing. This is finally a chance to show off your totally swagalicious rock climbing skills that you learned in your PDP and vowed you would use some day! Once in the building, throw a rager with the isolationists. Not only will you be sure to get COVID, but will also have a bangin time.
- Lick the Toilet Seats in the CAS Basement Bathroom: Admit it kid, you’ve had that thought “what would happen if I licked this disgusting toilet seat?” I know you have, freak. Well, here’s your chance to finally put your words into action. You may not end up getting COVID since it hasn’t been scientifically proven to transmit through booty, but you’ll definitely get sick! Once you explain to the professor what happened they won’t want you in their class anyways. Ahhhh, pure bliss. Let the mental health days begin.
- Set Up a Kissing Booth at the GSU: Find a day where there will be an activities fair at the GSU and sneak in with your kissing booth. As long as you remain confident and are giving something away for free, students will flock to you. Not only will you receive your first kiss from outside your immediate family (yippee!), but you will also get a smooch from Ms. Rona.
- Create a “Lab Experiment”: If you’re reading this article, I’m going to assume you’re not a STEM student. It’s time to finally make your parents proud and become a STEM kid for the day by creating your own “experiment”. Say you need to collect students’ spit for a Chemistry project and make up a fancy name in case they ask what it’s for. Then, fill up a 100ml beaker and when you are finally alone…chug. If you need a chaser, I recommend Diet Coke based on personal experience. If you’re ever in a frat in the future, this also may serve as a hazing technique.
These 5 actions are surefire ways to escape your classes and climb into those cozy isolation beds. And if those don’t work, you can always rely on the old school technique for squeezing in mental health time…sleeping in class.