What’s sexier than lingerie with cat ears or a slutty nurse costume? Political correctness, of course! This Halloween, you can wear fun and creative costume that doesn’t offend any minority groups and sticks it to colonization instead. These five costume ideas will horrify your white friends and probably cause enough riots to burn down the state of Vermont. But whatever! You’re cool and edgy like that.

1. Sexy Pilgrim

Pair an old-timey bonnet or hat with black clogs and as little as you can in between. Puritans were very conservative, so dress as trashy as possible for maximum offensiveness. Bonus points if you pick someone up with the line, “I want to Plymouth Rock your world.”

2. “woke” dude in Gender Studies Class

Trigger warning: this costume is based off at least five people you know. All you need is a beanie, “This Is What A Feminist Looks Like” t-shirt, and some Doc Martens. Wear 6 jean jackets and carry a reusable water bottle that’s made of as much recycled material as possible. Make sure everyone at the Halloween party knows that your girlfriend makes more money than you, and that you’re proud of that. Bonus: say things like, “I don’t see color, but I celebrate it.”

3. Wine Mom

You know those floral-printed wine glasses at Marshall’s that say “Rosé all day” or “Is it wine o’clock yet?” Now, you can be that white lady for Halloween! Wear some statement jewelry, a top you got on sale, brown boots, and a sweater draped around your shoulders. Drink Chardonnay at all times and make subtle allusions to the fact that you’re bored and your life sucks. Plan a girls’ trip to Mexico and touch everyone’s arm for a little too long.

4. Couples costume: redneck cousins

This costume is a perfect idea for that couple who isn’t afraid to go there. The key is to emphasize your love for each other—and the fact that you are first cousins. Wear some matching camo, overalls, and fake teeth. Hold hands and smoke meth. Carry around a family photo album. Make out a lot.

5. Old Money

Wait until my father hears about this! You’ll need golf clubs, heavy Vineyard Vines, a Rolex, and at least two Ivy League libraries named after your family. Just because your great-great-great grandfather made his money in tobacco smuggling doesn’t mean you can’t be the baddest bitch at the yacht club! Tip: If you can afford to wear this costume, you’re probably a douchebag and are better off going as Napoleon Dynamite, or wearing a Hawaiian shirt and calling it a day.

Leave a Reply