As the results of the 2020 Presidential election grow closer, the possibility of civil war is becoming more and more real. Lucky for you, I have compiled a list of cute outfits that you can wear during these disastrous times. So take off that “I’m With Her: Jo Jorgenson” shirt that you’re wearing and try on some of these stellar items!
1. Bedazzled Bulletproof Vest With Cast Iron Heels
Want to protect yourself against an armed Trump car parade while looking like an entire fucking meal? Try this super cute look! Put on your homemade sparkly vest and (Operation Desert) storm the runway! Your fellow Union Soldiers won’t know how to handle the fabulous energy that you’re bringing to the battlefield each day. Thank you for your service ahead of time, cutie!
2. Trader joe’s uniform
It’s impossible for anyone to be angry with a Trader Joe’s employee. Their witty banter and unmatched bagging capabilities make them a champion on both sides of the aisle. Plus they are frontline workers, damnit! Let’s be real, the backbone of our failing nation is cookie butter! Put on your Hawaiian shirt, cargo shorts, and Birkenstocks! Stand with the confidence of a dad at a Jimmy Buffett concert and remain neutral! You don’t need to pick a side in this war because you’re fighting for your own team…the laid back team! If someone rushes towards you with a molotov cocktail, offer them a sample of artichoke dip! Trust me, it will work.
3. Weighted blanket
Okay, looks like someone is having an adorable depressive episode! Scientists and historians agree that there is statistically nothing cuter than hiding during a massive coup. Go in your room, lock the door, and wrap yourself in a weighted blanket. The weight will remind you of hugs. Oh wait, I should refresh you. Hugs were these things that used to happen when you greeted people prior to the pandemic. I digress. In the event of a home raid, accessorize your weighted blanket with a ballistic helmet. Protecting my gorgeous brain while looking like the elderly army man from the The General Insurance commercials? Sign me up!
4. A Pierre Cadault Dress
Emily in Paris? More like you in the middle of hyper-bipartisan warfare! Remember Pierre Cadault from the critically unacclaimed Netflix show, Emily in Paris? Of course you do. Who can forget that pouty motherfucker? Anyway, wear that white dress that he forced Emily into. People will be so confused by your formal attire that they won’t even try to tear gas you. Someone might also think that your white dress is for a wedding, which could open the door to a possible election night proposal. Get engaged and make November 3rd all about you!
5. A Big ol’ tarp
You know how Lincoln had to cross the Delaware river during the Spanish Flu? Is that right? Anyway, warfare usually means that you’ll get dirty, so wearing a cute tarp might be a power move. Worried that an angry Toby Keith fan will fling mud at you during hand-to-hand combat? Tarp it. Afraid that your frustration with the state of our country will amount into an eruption of tears? Tarp it. Scared that the racist paintball guy from your high school might have loaded up on ammunition at Michael’s crafts prior to the election? Honey, I think you better tarp it. Tarp it till the cows come home! To my understanding, there are also camouflage tarps, which could come in handy if you find yourself recreating that scene from the Hunger Games when Rue dies.
Hopefully this serves as a useful guide as we enter what is probably going to be a decade of civil unrest! May you stay healthy, safe, and…wait for it…cute!