Photoshopped by Maddy Schmidt (COM '21)
Sophia Stio (COM '22)

Sophia is a Junior in COM.

Matthew 24:44 says “the Son of Man will come at an hour when you do not expect him.” Last week, we saw a version of this take shape with the return of Justin Bieber, America’s former favorite Canadian cutie. Bieber, who managed to release a song called “Yummy” without any repercussions whatsoever, shook the world with an album filled to the brim with religious allusions. As someone who engages with Justin Bieber’s Instagram on a daily basis, I was not surprised by Justin’s leap into the world of Christian pop. In fact, Justin Bieber’s instagram has functioned as my personal Western religions library for months now. So, in celebration of Justin’s new album, and the resurrection of Jesus H. Christ, I would like to share the 5 Bible verses that I have learned from Justin Bieber’s instagram. 

1. Justin 7:11, “God is obsessed with you.”

This was a cool thing to learn. I didn’t know that God was obsessed with me, I guess I’ll have to reach out. Afterall, my type is people who like me back!

2. Justin 4:20, “Believe it and receive it no strings attached. It’s the secret sauce.”

While secret sauce sounds like something that would be traded by incels on a weird Reddit page, I know Justin is talking about God here. I was once offered secret sauce by a man that claimed to be God. A restraining order has since taken effect. Watch out who you swipe right on!

3. “Being self aware is cool but being God aware changes everything. You see the mountains and the sky? Can you do that?”

I most certainly can’t, Justin. But you know what I can do? Watch 2 hours of YouTube ASMR videos while I overthink every interaction I’ve ever had. Being God aware is cool, but being Sophia aware gets you a ticket to therapy. 

4. Justin 1:23, “You are forgiven.”

This was nice to hear. I don’t remember doing anything that would warrant forgiveness, but I’m glad that I’m in the clear. Now that I have a clean record, I can’t wait to run for an elected office position. My Twitter account and entire personality certainly won’t stand in the way of that dream! 

5. justin 69:69, “Nothin u do can make God love you any more or any less.”

I don’t know, Justin, I’ve done some pretty questionable things. I don’t think God would be too fond of my comments on Dakota Johnson’s Instagram. 

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