The ghost of Civil War nurse, Lucretia Harriet Stowe, lives in my attic. Born in 1820, Stowe cared for injured soldiers from the 19th infantry. Unfortunately, Stowe tragically and bravely died of gonorrhea in what is now my home.

Upon meeting Stowe, she made it abundantly clear to me that when she wasn’t bandaging legs, she was exploring her sexuality. I have found Nurse Lucretia to be a treasure trove of great sex advice.

With her blessing, of course, I will impart her wisdom to you.

1. Find the Perfect Sex Spot.

“If a worthy gentleman should show thee his Johnson, formulate a plan to approach said shaft with the utmost respect. Ask the soldier how and where he cares to ring the church bell. Personally, I am partial to tearoom closets and abandoned battlefields. Make sure to hide from Captain if he is to arrive prematurely from the cannon lodge.”

2. Fuck Your Nurse Friends.

“If thy chuckaboo, or friend, proves worthy of love, indicate to them your desire expeditiously. Should thy fellow aid also care to place butter upon your bacon, you are to engage in horny correspondence for three months until thy ninepence can no longer bear the lack of human touch. Cup thy breasts and fuck with haste. Afterall, the men will be returning from war shortly, and no time for intercourse will there be!”

3. Bullet Removal Before Butt Stuff.

“If thy love hath a bullet lodged in their member, surely remove it before tossing the hornpipe. Once removed, you are cleared to ride Paul Revere into the dawn. Do experiment with thy derriere as it is just as capable of delivering you to Venus. Might I suggest trying a homemade Johnson, perhaps one made from the very tree which was chopped by our former President Washington, God rest his soul.”

4. Know Your Surroundings and Have Fun.

“Should you choose to survey below the corset or belt, do know your surroundings. If thy love hath the devil’s doorknob, do knock. And if thy love hath a pecker, avoid dental interference for nothing good ever arose from the liberal manipulation of one’s dentures upon the stick. Do try new procedures and remove gauze if needed. Check for syphilis, and when given the go-ahead, forge into your own battle with the strength of a thousand-man army.”


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