COMMONWEALTH AVENUE—A report has confirmed that 14 students have drowned in the large puddles forming on every corner of Commonwealth Avenue following a heavy snowfall on Thursday,  and another 23 are reported still missing.

According to eyewitness accounts, the victims simply set foot in the puddles while walking to class and immediately sank below the surface.

“I tried to save one person,” said good Samaritan Grant Miller (CAS ’15), “But as soon as I looked down into the puddle I got grossed out. It was pretty dirty.”

“It was terrible,” said a teary-eyed passerby who wished to remain anonymous. “I saw this girl walking one second, and then she was gone. She had her whole life ahead of her. She had just gotten a cup of Pinkberry, too. I’m not sure why, because it wasn’t a very weather-appropriate snack, but still.”

“This is really messed up,” offered Rachel Tang (SMG ’16). “Everyone I see just keeps complaining about how wet their shoes are from walking to class. It’s like they don’t realize that I’ll never see my roommate again.”

This tragedy comes after overwhelming student support of a snow day on Thursday which was not honored by administrators.“I really think the school should have cancelled classes. That way, these tragedies could have been avoided,” said Dominic DiGioia (CAS ’14)

“Also, my shoes got really wet, which is not cool,” added DiGioia as a group of students passing by shouted their wet shoe solidarity.

“Yeah, I stuck my foot in one of the puddles,” said Hannah Catipon (CFA ’17). “I didn’t feel like I was going to drown, but it did sort of feel like the creature from the trash compactor scene in Star Wars grabbed my ankle. That seems like a separate problem, though.”

A representative from the BU Center for Ecology has confirmed that multiple reports of completely new ecosystems full of strange creatures thriving in the newly formed puddles, suggesting that Catipon’s experience was not a separate problem at all.

“I have no comment on those things. I’m not going to soak up the water in the streets, that’s not my job,“ said President Brown when asked for comment. “But do I think these spoiled kids complaining about getting their shoes wet should buy some waterproof spray and quit their yapping,” he added, before boarding a Duck Boat and riding off into the distance.

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