Oh, the Pandemi Lovato, how I thought you’d never end! All of those nights I spent suffocated under my weighted blanket wishing that I had paid more attention to the pandemonium components of Love in the time of Cholera. I was much more concerned with the Javier Bardem casting than the herd immunity subplot, but I digress. 

Finally, after 97 years, I am seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. God, I am so excited to be a Vaxxinista…which is like a Maxxinista, but the deal I’m obtaining is a stable public health situation! Once Ms. Moderna shoots me the hell up, I am licking everything! I’ll be invincible, baby! In preparation for this moment, I have compiled a list of the top 10 things that I’d love to lick on campus once the CEO of Pfizer shoots me in the ass. The list goes as follows: 

1. Campus Turkey

Once I capture one of these ambling fuckers, I’m giving it a big lick. I haven’t done much reading about the vaccine, or into anything important for that matter, but I’m assuming that the Johnson & Johnson one-shot also protects against turkey-borne diseases. If not, I guess I’ll find out later. 

2. Rhett Statue

RIP, Rhett. In your honor, I will lick you just like you licked me that one time. Granted, you were a dog, but still. I have to pay my respects somehow, even if it is a year late.  

3. Rick the Grounds Guy

I always see this groundsperson when I’m walking to CAS. I have named him Rick, and I think he deserves a lick. Keeping campus clean during a Pandemi Moore is difficult, and he deserves a medal for it. A medal awarded with my tongue.

4. COM Fountain

Remember how thirsty you’d be after being bullied at recess? Remember how you’d stand in front of the water fountain for like 10 minutes with your mouth ajar? Well, if you forgot, you can catch me recreating that moment at the COM fountain as soon as I am vaccinated. Maybe then I’ll finally make it on BU Barstool. 

5. Einstein Bagels Entrance

God, I miss the bustling Einstein line. I’m so excited to lick the entryway. I’m guessing it tastes like everything bagel seasoning and pursuing your masters in the humanities. 

6. Theology Library

It’s what Jesus would’ve wanted. 

7. BU Bookstore Clothing Section

I can’t wait to lick a sweatshirt that costs 800,000 dollars. 

8. Warren Escalator

Ah, like a treadmill for your tongue. I am so excited to lick this campus fixture. I can’t think of a better way to build my immunity back. 

9. Glass in the CAS Lounge

I love the CAS lounge because it’s a room full of people that I do not recognize. This means I can lick the glass, using my tongue as a squeegee, and no one that I care about will know! SCORE! 

10. The Golden Doors of the Tsai Auditorium

I feel like these doors taste like copper and music. Just to make sure, I will give them a good lick down and then quickly get tested for Tetanus and HPV.  

Lick with caution, my friends. Also, does anyone know where I can get vaccinated? Apparently I have a restraining order filed against me from the CDC.

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