Sophia Stio (COM '22)

Sophia is a Junior in COM.

Last week, I discovered something… certifiably outrageous. 

Using the skills that I gained during my three weeks of entry-level statistics, I crunched some numbers. After analyzing the accounts and cleaning the data, I took note of a jarring statistic: There are upwards of 3 billion men in the world, and 1/5 of them have been in a Fast & Furious movie. That means that there are like 6 million men walking around with the same IMDB credit as Vin Diesel. 

Statistically speaking—because that is how I speak—that means that your male-identifying sexual partner might be hiding his film experience from you. Now that I’ve sparked your curiosity with my incomparable math skills, here’s how to identify if your guy has driven a really fast car, and I’m not talking about the masterwork by Tracey Chapman. 

1. Has Jacked Arms:

Oh, no. If this is the case, then he definitely has been in Fast & Furious. Everyone knows that only men with huge guns can drive speedy cars.

2. Does Not Have Jacked Arms:

Now this is a tell-tale sign that he might have made a cameo in this acclaimed action thriller. There are also men in the film who don’t work out. This makes it tricky to single out folks.

3. Spiky Hair:

Alright, if his hair is gelled in a way that will cause skull damage, then he has absolutely raced Michelle Rodriguez.

4. Bald:

If your boo is bald, then he might be Vin Diesel. In that case, greet him by his racing name: Mr. Dominic Toretto. Then, ask him why he doesn’t wear shirts with sleeves.

5. Breathes Oxygen:

If your guy does this, then he is super quirky! It also means that he has probably been in a Fast & Furious movie. Ask him to drive you around the block while he tells you how much hotter Eva Mendes is in real life.

I hope this clears things up for you. I’ll be honest, I’ve never seen a Furious & Fast movie. I, personally, am neither fast nor furious.. A movie about me would be called Slow & Indifferent. But enough about me! Investigate your lover, people! We all deserve to know if our boyfriends have met Ludacris. 

 

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