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KENMORE – Witnesses at 100 Bay State Road confirmed earlier today that affluent Boston University student Lauren Macintosh (COM ‘14) can’t even.
    ”Ugh,” said Macintosh, who still just couldn’t, while standing in line for a sandwich. “Are you kidding? I literally cannot.”
    “What can she not even?” asked Rob Passmore, a flustered Bay State employee. “That’s barely half a sentence!”
    Boston University officials are concerned about the source of Macintosh’s dissatisfaction, which echoes the sentiments of many other girls on campus who just can’t.
    ”But, like, actually? Said Macintosh’s friend, Aidy Mitchell (COM ‘15). “Are you kidding?”
    “Our usual solution when there’s dissatisfaction with students is to open up channels of communication with them,” said Dean Elmore. “But clearly that approach isn’t going to work here.”
    ”If students are so angry that they can’t even form a complete sentence, I need to fix what caused that problem,” Elmore added, while editing a PowerPoint presentation titled “What Can Students Not Even?”
    While most students find that they can, Macintosh represents a growing statistic of wealthier girls at Boston University who literally just can’t.
    ”But like, what even?” said Macintosh, commenting again on the situation. “Ugh.”
    At press time, Macintosh still cannot.

9 months ago
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