THE WEEKLY BUPDATE ---- REPORT: IT ABOUT TIME TO RENOVATE 100 BAY STATE AGAIN ---- WEATHER UPDATE: STUDENT IN SHORTS WAITS FOR BUS NEXT TO STUDENT IN GORE-TEX WINTER JACKET ON FIRST 50-DEGREE DAY ---- STUDENTS UNSURE IF EYE CONTACT THEY MADE WAS THE GOOD KIND ---- SMG STUDENT WANTS TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT 'THE FOUNTAINHEAD'---- WE FOUND YOUR BU ID, CLARENCE, BUT WE SURE AS FUCK AREN'T GOING TO GIVE IT BACK TO YOU JUST YET ----

Rich Girl In Dining Hall Can’t Even

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KENMORE – Witnesses at 100 Bay State Road confirmed earlier today that affluent Boston University student Lauren Macintosh (COM ‘14) can’t even.
    ”Ugh,” said Macintosh, who still just couldn’t, while standing in line for a sandwich. “Are you kidding? I literally cannot.”
    “What can she not even?” asked Rob Passmore, a flustered Bay State employee. “That’s barely half a sentence!”
    Boston University officials are concerned about the source of Macintosh’s dissatisfaction, which echoes the sentiments of many other girls on campus who just can’t.
    ”But, like, actually? Said Macintosh’s friend, Aidy Mitchell (COM ‘15). “Are you kidding?”
    “Our usual solution when there’s dissatisfaction with students is to open up channels of communication with them,” said Dean Elmore. “But clearly that approach isn’t going to work here.”
    ”If students are so angry that they can’t even form a complete sentence, I need to fix what caused that problem,” Elmore added, while editing a PowerPoint presentation titled “What Can Students Not Even?”
    While most students find that they can, Macintosh represents a growing statistic of wealthier girls at Boston University who literally just can’t.
    ”But like, what even?” said Macintosh, commenting again on the situation. “Ugh.”
    At press time, Macintosh still cannot.

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  5. alyssakeem reblogged this from thebunionpaper and added:
    omg so funny, i can’t even!
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    😂
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    HAHA this is fucking great