THE DAILY BUPDATE ---- SMG GRAD CURRENTLY BOMBING JOB INTERVIEW IN STARBUCKS, GOOD LORD, NOW HE'S CRYING ---- BU FAKE ID NOT CONVINCING ---- FRESHMAN STUDENT'S NECK IS ONE LARGE HICKEY ---- 69% OF MALE STUDENTS THINK THIS SURVEY IS “HEH-HEH” FUNNY ---- ROOMMATES AWOKEN IN MIDDLE OF NIGHT MAKE EYE CONTACT ---- LUNCH ANYONE? ---- REPORT CONFIRMS YOU CAN'T SPELL BULLSHIT WITHOUT 'BU' ---- ROOMMATE PRETENDS TO BE ASLEEP SO NOT TO INTERRUPT HOOK-UP ----

COM To Be Renamed ‘Boner Lounge’ After Generous Donation From Howard Stern Foundation

image

ADMISSIONS OFFICE — Following the rebranding of BU’s Center for Student Services, the College of Communications has announced that its building will be renamed the Boner Lounge following an ‘extremely generous’ donation from noted COM alumnus Howard Stern (’76).

“To the students, alumni and faculty of COM, trust me when I say that this is the best move for all of us,” said Thomas Fielder, dean of COM, as he held a golden check that appeared to be playing Richard Wagner’s “Flight of the Valkyries.” 

“We are extremely excited for all Boner Lounge undergrads, Boner Lounge graduate students, and Boner Lounge alumni,” Fielder continued. “This name change is only one sign of BU’s awkward rise through the sweatpants of higher education.”

“It’s such a beautiful day, too. I can’t wait to play ultimate frisbee on the Howard Stern Boner Lawn,” he added.

Some students are claiming that the university has become too obsessed with finances to care about what the donors name the buildings. 

“It was weird when SHA changed its name to the School of Expedia.com At Boner Avenue, but after Morse Auditorium became the Buffalo Wild Wings, You Have To Be There Boner Stadium, things started getting really out of hand,” said Gina Esberg (CAS ‘15). 

Mr. Stern could not be reached for comment, but was reportedly seen treating Dean of Students Kenneth Elmore to ice cream via helicopter in Paris. 

“At least we still have our integrity,” Elmore was reported saying, as he downed some mint chocolate chip in Stern’s vessel, The Boner Flyer. 

At press time, editors of the Bunion were changing their publication name to “Howard Stern Is The Greatest-nion” after an anonymous donation. 

No One Agrees With Anthony

image

MARSH PLAZA– Ever since he voiced his opinion on The Big Bang Theory to the last possible student on campus, it’s official – not a soul agrees with Anthony Risotto (COM ’18).

“The best show in the history of television!” said Risotto to a crowd of people, who all shook their heads.

“I’ve never met a person with worse views on absolutely everything,” said  Emma King (CAS ’18), who hates Risotto the least. “Garfield is his favorite cartoon and president.”

Despite the lack of positive response from people, Anthony, whose preferences to go by Tony were ignored, continues to express his views.

“Strawberry ice cream is clearly the best. I loooved the fourth Shrek movie, I hate music, want to go see American Idol on Ice?”

While wearing a Shaquille O’Neill jersey, Risotto crossed over to a group of his non-enemies.

“No,” said King before Risotto even opened his mouth.

“I only wanted to ask if you all would like to get dinner. Warren Towers is where it’s at!” was the alleged reply. 

At press time, Anthony was trying to convince a group of dog walkers that cats really are the best pets. 

StuVi2 Resident Instagrams View, Guesses She Can Get Used to It

image

STUDENT VILLAGE II — A Boston University student supposes she can manage living in StuVi 2, a living space that is more luxurious than most actual homes on planet Earth.

“I guess I can get used to this view,” wrote Rebecca Armstrong (COM ‘16), as she posted the view on Instagram.

Sources confirmed that the awe-inspiring sight of I-95 and the Charles River received nearly 80 likes.

Armstrong, a member of the Alpha Phi sorority who previously lived in StuVI 1 and Rich Hall, was relieved to see an end to her long struggle.

“Praying hands emoji, coyly winking emoji, laughing emoji,” Armstrong added.

The picture, which was spruced up with a Valencia filter, is believed to be the first of its kind.

At press time, Armstrong and her sisters were planning ownership of the suite four generations from now.

Free Hugs Forced to Raise Prices

image

MARSH PLAZA – Free Hugs, a Boston University campus group that offers free embraces to passing students, is being forced to raise prices next week to $18 per hug after the Allocations Board gutted their funding.

“We really do want to allow Free Hugs, believe me,” said Jason Weaver (SAR ’16), who imposed the price hike. “But the marginal cost just doesn’t justify the marginal benefit. Plus, their hugs aren’t as motherly, tender, and pillow-like as they once were.”

The president of the Hugs group, Melanie Michaels (CAS ‘14), said the hugs have not suffered in quality, as Weaver asserted.

“Weaver’s a fucking dick,” Michaels said. “He doesn’t get enough hugs in his life.”

Michaels said she still thinks the group will be popular, even with a price increase.

“We’re really not upset,” Michaels said. “I still ride the T after the hike, and I still go to BU even with that 6 percent increase.”

"I think people are willing to pay $18 for a nice hug,” Michaels added.

The rising cost of rent imposed by Marsh Chapel and the competitive atmosphere surrounding the mere billion dollars controlled by the student-run Allocations Board are the main contributing factors to the price inflation.

Members of the Hug group are planning to meet with Dean of Student Kenneth Elmore to discuss accepting Convenience and Dining Points as payment for hugs. 

At press time, the BU Free Hand Jobs group had not announced any price hikes.

BU Tech Support Trying To Ignore Student’s Open Porn Folder

image

MUGAR — Members of the IT Help Center in Mugar Library are reportedly attempting to just ignore the open folder of pornographic images and videos on a laptop they received just now.
    Employees confirmed that the student, Brian Griese (CAS ’16), has no idea that he left the folder right there, on his desktop, where everyone could see it.
    “Let me just clarify; we’re all curious,” said IT Help Center employee Grant Young (COM ’15). “And we’re all extremely uncomfortable. But that doesn’t change the fact that we’re not here to make any assumptions about a student’s private life.”
    “But at the same time, really?” Young continued. “I mean, it’s right fucking there. How could he not have seen it?”
    Other employees displayed similar reactions to the student’s blatant inability to recognize that something was out of place.
    “My question is, does this happen often?” asked Rebecca Sweetwater (SMG ’15). “This seems like the work of someone who’s either completely technologically illiterate, or just absolutely disgusting.
    “Or, of course, just an impressionable kid going through a breakup,” she continued. “I mean, what if he wanted us to see it? Oh my god, this is awful.”
    At press time, Griese was waiting on the other side of the desk, wondering why his MyPrint account error was causing so many horrific looks.

Student Unsure If Guy In New Roommate’s Profile Picture Is A Boyfriend Or Brother

image

SLEEPER HALL — Emma Caldwell (CAS ‘18) isn’t sure if the male featured in Jenna Edward’s Facebook profile picture is her high school boyfriend or brother.

“Like they look alike, but their heads are practically touching,” Caldwell said. “Plus, he’s giving off that sexual vibe.” 

Reports indicate that the photo, captioned only with a heart emoji, does not have either participant tagged. The photo also portrays the male engaging in a tender grasp around Edwards’ wrist.

“I think it’s weird if it is her brother,” Caldwell’s floor mate, Alexa Richardson (COM ‘18), chimed in. “But it’s also weird to be dating someone who looks like he could be your brother.”

Adding to the controversy, Ms. Edward’s strict privacy settings have not allowed Caldwell or Richardson to gather further research. The two friends had hoped to cross-reference Edward’s friends lists to check if there is a guy matching the photo with the same last name as Ms. Edward’s, see her relationship status or check other photos.

At press time, Ms. Caldwell was pondering whether she should friend request her roommate or talk to her directly about the tense situation.

SHS Immunization Clinics To Scale Needle Size With Students’ Current Debt

image

STUDENT HEALTH SERVICES — As part of Boston University’s immunization clinics beginning later this week, Student Health Services has introduced a policy that will scale their needle sizes to the patient’s current level of student debt, sources report.
    According to Jonathan Taves, an SHS coordinator, the new policy currently has “no limit” to needle size.
    “Our new immunization policy holds the double advantages of making sure our students will be safe and healthy, but also provoking their deepest fears of sharp points and medical malpractice,” Taves said. “Studies show that when we combine the latter with a direct representation of their financial commitment to higher education, students tend to respond with higher grades.”
    “I mean, of course they do,” Taves continued, his voice descending into a low cackle. “When you see these needles, you’ll know the true meaning of terror — but also, a proper appreciation of financial stability.”
    Speaking from a dripping wet and ominously gloomy waiting area in the SHS lobby, other students also seemed apprehensive of other requirements for standard immunization shots.
    “They told us that if you do it on BU’s insurance, you have to sign the waiver ‘in the blood of your veins,’ and with FAFSA documentation,” said Gina Tsung (CAS ’16). “At least, I think that’s what they said. It’s hard to fill out your Social Security number on a scroll with a raven sitting right there, waiting to take it to their receptionist.”
    But Taves believes that SHS’ new policy shouldn’t alarm students, amid accusations that the presence of large red-stained buckets, as well as a lack of any mirrors, large pieces of wood or Christian crosses signals more sinister purposes.
    “Our goal is to make sure students enter the year with the purest blood possible, cleansed entirely of disease,” he said, visibly licking his chops and unhinging his jaw.
    At press time, the first group of students to receive immunization shots were being led down by SHS officials into the bowels of Agganis Arena, where no man has ever returned alive.

Daily Free Press To Replace Print Publication With Weekly Strip Of Paper With A Tweet Printed On It

image

KENMORE SQUARE — The Daily Free Press, BU’s campus newspaper, announced this week that daily print publications will be replaced by a weekly printout of a single tweet from the paper’s Twitter feed. 
    The newspaper’s single sheet of paper will be tacked to a cork board inside the George Sherman Union every Friday for students to read, share or mistake for trash.
    “By printing a single tweet each week, The Daily Free Press continues to stay on the cutting edge of social media implementation within student journalism, while sticking to our legacy as a physical publication,” wrote FreeP Editor-In-Chief Kyle Plantz. “We also have the bonus of staying environmentally conscious by not wasting stacks of paper from unread issues.”
    Recently, readership for the paper has dropped as students turn to online media to stay up to date on current events. Plantz admitted that advertising revenue had fallen in the past couple of years, leading the paper to run up a deficit.
    “Most of the tweets posted on Fridays will mainly be advertisers’ hashtags,” Plantz explained. “But we will also continue to stick to reporting what’s important to the BU community with honesty and integrity.”
    “I see this as a fantastic opportunity for students to mix the best of the old-style of journalism with today’s digital revolution,” said COM Journalism Professor Artie Bachmann. “You know, my grandchildren are always telling me to get on Twitter and ‘stop installing so many useless toolbars on my internet browser,’ but this way I can get all the news I need from my students without the hassle of paying a shady Computer Science student to set one up for me.”
    While most students are pleased about the evolution of the paper, Scott Ang (CAS ‘16) has started a petition against the ending of the daily print publication.
    “How am I supposed to get wrapping paper, padding for UPS shipments and toilet paper?” Ang said in a statement. The Political Science major’s petition has garnered over twenty signatures from students.
    “We understand the concerns of a small minority of students,” explained Plantz. “But the fact of the matter is, we have a revolutionary new medium at our disposal and we are going to use it to its full potential.”
    At press time, The Daily Free Press’ printer has a paper jam.

Student Realizes Spring Break Over

image

CAS — Sources report that after one week of Boston University students returning to classes, unpacking belongings, and buying textbooks online, Harry Westgate (CAS ’17) has returned from his 2014 spring break.
    “Yeah, man. Can’t believe I have to start getting back to school,” said Westgate, as he walked down his “old stomping grounds” in Myles. “That was the best week I’ve ever had.”
    “Jeez, even my key doesn’t even remember where I’ve been,” Westgate laughed, as he attempted to unlock his door. “Alright, who changed the name tag on my door to Steven Chen? Real funny, guys, that’s real funny.”
    After remarking on the unseasonably, “almost summer-like” warm Boston weather, which Westgate specifically attributed to Marathon Monday being “just around the corner,” reports suggest that the sophomore walked to his Philosophy class, still clad in the same O’Neil board shorts and panama hat that he flew back in.
    “Where is everyone?” he said, after entering the empty classroom. “Man, I hope I didn’t come back during a day off, that would suck so hard.”
    At press time, Westgate was reading several mysterious emails, all with the subject headlines, “academic probation” and “absent final exam.”

Professor Struggles To Sum Up Israel/Palestine Conflict in Four Powerpoint Slides

image

KENMORE CLASSROOM—International Relations Professor Nina Skegg has allotted four slides for Friday’s Powerpoint presentation on the Israel/Palestine conflict — a tense and nuanced dispute over territory that has its roots in the late 19th century — and critics say she is having some trouble covering all the bases. 
    “I’d say a five-minute lecture can probably explain the longstanding conflict between the Jews and Arabs around Israel,” Skegg said. “I usually dedicate one slide exclusively to pictures. Powerpoint also has a great pie chart function that could assist students in understanding the Jordanian annexation of the West Bank.”
    Donald Southwick, an expert in religious conflict who recently released a 1,000-page volume on the intractable conflict between Palestine and Israel, said Skegg’s slides pass over many important details of the longstanding hostility.
    “Professor Skegg zooms through history when she teaches,” Southwick said.” Four slides can barely explain how to write a resume, let alone a wide-ranging sectarian conflict.”
    This is not the first time Skegg has distilled a complex topic into a short set of relatively broad Powerpoint slides. Last fall, she explained the Rwanadan Genocide of 1994 in three slides.
    “Slide one: Hutu majority slaughters the Tutsi minority,” Skegg said, recounting the content of the slideshow. “Slide two: The killing occurred in the context of the Rwandan Civil War.”
    “The third slide was a pie chart,” Skegg added.
    A number of Skegg’s former students wonder why the professor skimmed over so many important historical moments instead of intensely focusing on the most relevant.
    “When I had Professor Skegg for history she went through Vietnam in two slides,” said Justin Blau (CAS ’17). “All I learned was that the Viet Cong were strong guerilla fighters and that the Vietnam film Apocalypse Now won an Academy Award. These weren’t the most pertinent facts.”
    At press time, Skegg was Goggling “what iz hamas?????!?!”

Displaced Allston Fire Victims Opt For Burnt House Over Interim Housing In Warren

image

HARVARD TERRACE—A powerful nine-alarm fire in Allston displaced eight BU students on Wednesday, all of whom have opted to stay in their charred rooms instead of moving into the sweaty, cramped dorms of Warren Towers.
    “I got a queen-sized Tempurpedic in my room here in Allston,” said Jon Doh (CAS ’16). “Sure, it’s a burnt queen-size, but the single beds in B Tower feel like they are made out of granite.”
    The burned out apartment, located on Harvard Terrace, received extensive fire damage and had firefighters on scene until late into Wednesday night.
    The American Red Cross offered food and shelter to the 50 displaced victims, but allowed the eight BU students to stay in their charred apartment after seeing the temporary lodgings in Warren Towers.
    “We usually insist fire victims seek comfortable temporary housing with friends or family, but the rooms that BU offered were actually in worse shape than the burned out spaces in Allston,” said Kat Dennis, a Red Cross spokeswoman. “It’s inhumane to stick two or three kids in a room the size of a small tool shed.”
    Beyond the small size of the rooms, Red Cross volunteers also cited intense humidity and clogged shower drains as factors that led to the refusal of Warren Towers as an acceptable shelter.
    “There was so much seamen clogging those drains you would think they shot Captain Phillips in there,” Dennis said.
    The displaced students, while heartbroken by the loss of many irreplaceable goods, said they were glad to be able to salvage a few things.
    “I still got a few frozen steaks that survived the fire,” said Alan Thurston (CFA ’15). “The beef may be covered in ash, but it sure beats the meatloaf in the dining hall.”
    At press time, the roommate who accidentally started the fire was sheepishly suggesting the roommates “pony up” for a fire extinguisher in their next apartment.

Photo via Flickr and BU student Jun Tsuboike. For more photos, click here.

Roving Pack Of Timberwolves Pounces As Freshman’s Parents Turn Corner

image

WEST CAMPUS - Eyewitnesses reported that shortly after Timothy and Beth Richards turned the corner of Commonwealth Ave. and Babcock Street, a traveling pack of Canis lupus occidentalis, commonly known as timberwolves, immediately pounced upon their son Billy (CAS ’18) outside of Claflin Hall.
    “They came out of nowhere,” said Amanda Brie (COM ’18). “We figured that late August and early September aren’t the beginnings of timber wolf feeding months, so why would there be any danger?”
    “I thought they were just looking after their young,” she continued, sobbing. “The timber wolf mother is very aggressively protective of her cubs.”
    Security camera footage reveals that the pack of timberwolves — also defined as Mackenzie Valley wolves due to their proximity to the upper Mackenzie River Valley in central Alberta, Canada — began circling the visibly unsettled Richards as he struggled to lift his last cardboard box of tupperware through the double doors of Claflin Hall.
    By the time that his parents’ 2010 Honda Odyssey had made a right turn onto Commonwealth Ave, Billy’s left tricep was being devoured by the alpha male of the group, and a pair of greater yellow-headed vultures was seen circling the carcass.
    “Beautiful creatures, ain’t they?” said BUPD Fish and Game deputy sheriff Mack Thompson. “So wild, so free. Shame they got the kid, though. We always try to do our best, but mistakes do happen.”
    Richards’ death has sparked outrage amongst the student body, with many focusing on the lack of security surrounding weak or sickly-appearing freshman during their time outdoors during move-in, as well as the inability to properly label noted timber wolf-heavy areas of campus on streetside maps and social media.
    “When you come to Boston University, it’s expected that the school will properly manage the fauna in and around campus,” said Nathan Putz (SMG ’16), co-president of the BU Student Hunting Association. “We refuse to let another one of our fellow students fall victim to the well-known timber wolf population plaguing our grounds.”
    Reports have surfaced that the Richards family is refusing to speak with Boston University officials following an initial meeting to arrange memorial services.
    “I realize now that opening with a joke about ‘Rhett’s big brothers’ trying to get Billy ‘in the Terrier spirit’ was the wrong decision,” said Dean of Students Kenneth Elmore in a prepared statement. “My condolences to the Richards family.”
    At press time, BUPD officials were seen cordoning off the sidewalk in front of Warren Towers, where a male Bengal tiger was spotted prowling near the Citibank ATM.

Class Of 2018 Already Planning Insincere Goodbyes

image

GEORGE SHERMAN UNION — Three hours into the first day of the 2014-2015 academic year, a majority of the freshman Class of 2018 are already planning out their gradual separation from current friends and artificial goodbyes in the days to come, sources report. 
    “Yeah, I know that Carol [Edens, COM ‘18] and I just did our FYSOP callsigns to each other and followed each other on Twitter, but I’m just treading water for a few weeks until I get some real friends,” said Alexis Howard (CAS ‘18). “She’s just a holdover, honestly.”
    “Oh, Alexis?” replied Edens. “Yeah, we’re going to a couple parties together, but only because neither of us knows anyone else yet, and we don’t want to risk appearing unsociable.”
    Reports also indicate that the Class of 2018 already has their feigned sadness, hugs of completely fake love and support, and eye drop capsules “ready to go” for graduation ceremonies scheduled in May 2018.
    “I mean, there’s a big chance that four years from now, I’m probably going to run into my neighbor from my first year in Sleeper, but am I really going to give a shit where he’s going in life?” said Dan McNamara (CAS ‘18). “No, I’m not. But I don’t want to look like a dick, so I’ll say something like, ‘Maybe we’ll run into each other!’ or bust out an ‘I’ll miss you so much’ that I’ve been working on.”
    “But yeah, I don’t care about basically 95 percent of these people,” McNamara continued. “Not even right now.”
    At press time, McNamara was seen smiling and laughing with Samuel Fernandez (SMG ‘18) at a party that neither one will bother to remember three months from now.

A Letter From The Editor

image

Dear Reader,

    I think it’s time that we sit down and have a chat. The passage of t—- oh, sorry dear reader, I can tell you’ve already got something you want to say but I was hoping you’d let me talk first during this chat. There’s some things I have to get off my chest. Won’t you wait until I’ve said my piece? Here, let me start over.
    The passage of time can show great contrast between the start and finish of any journey. The Bunion first arrived at Boston University quite meekly before building a loyal group of followers who whispered its name and its many deeds across campus. Some might say that in this way, there’s a part of the Bunion that is also deeply a part of me as well.
    I now st—- wait, hang on, dear reader. What’s that? No, no I’m not trying to say I have an actual bunion. Please let me finish. And stop spreading that rumor. It’s not doing me any favors.
    I now stand at the precipice of graduation, looking back at all of the things I’ve accomplished with the help of this publication — which just so happens to bear the name of a foot-borne ailment that I do not actually have — and in the past year, many people have seen me along on my way and said things like "Kevin, you must be so proud of the Bunion!", and "Are you really the person who created the Bunion?" and "Please take me to the window seat of a coffee shop and hold my hand beneath the table so that I can properly display my affection to you!" I have said yes to all of these things.
    But recently, people have been saying different things to me on the street. In the past month, people have said things like "Are you nervous about graduating?", and "Do you know what’s going to happen to the Bunion after you’re gone?" and "You held my hand so sweetly under the table at that Starbucks just like I asked you to, why did you never call me afterwards?"
    I have not known what to say to any of these things.
    Regardless of what exactly is said, the faces are the same: painted with poignant disbelief of my imminent departure from Boston University. An unspoken bouquet of disappointment that next year’s iteration of life at BU will be noticeably Kevin Flynn-less. Faces that almost say, "Please don’t go!"
    But I say th—- wait, please, dear reader. Don’t interrupt me. Yes, I know it’s been five paragraphs already. Yes, I realize it’s seven including those short one-line paragraphs. I’m going somewhere with this. Please be patient.
    But I say that I think you’re all full of shit. Yes, that’s right, dear reader, I don’t buy any of it. Don’t lie to me. You may furrow your brow and grimace at the mention of my exit, but I can sense what you feel deep down just by looking at you. You’re just counting down the seconds until you’re free of my journalistic iron grip.
    Go ahead, admit it! What’s wrong, too cowardly to say what you really feel right to my face? Well, since y—- God, hold your tongue, dear reader! That was rhetorical! Don’t actually answer the question, I’m trying to make a point!
    Well, since you won’t tell me how you really feel about my eventual leave, it well suits me on the last day of my editorship of this publication to be the vessel of the deep-rooted truth of what people really think of me. I can sense that you all just want to say things like:
    “Boo! What’s that, you say? Poor old Kevin Flynn is finally kicking the academic bucket and joining the ranks of the working-class slog? Good riddance, I tell you! The university will be better off without him! Not to mention the Bunion will flourish once it’s free of him, what with all his sour editorial content and bumbling style of leadership! The dumb lout’s gotten a big head ever since they wrote that story in BU Today. Doesn’t he realize that we only liked the article about the girl in the dining hall and we’re just politely putting up with the rest until he leaves?”
    “What has he ev—-“ Oh, shut UP, dear reader! Don’t try to contradict the steaming hot truth I’m laying down in front of you! I can see it in your eyes that you’re just dying to say all of these things, so just sit back while I say them for you. Ahem.
    “What has he ever done for me, anyway? Nothing, besides throwing a bunch of advertisements in my face for his rotten tabloid and his equally detestable sketch comedy group! What are they called again, ‘Slow Boys at Work’? Who cares, I’ve never even seen them — but oh, how I rue them! I can’t help but count the days until his stupid voice and face are absent from my life and I can finally know respite from his incessant self-promotion. God forbid he invites me yet again to follow him on Twitter at https://www.twitter.com/flynncredible. He’s just a leech sucking on the neck of every person he’s ever met.
    “And his hair is weird!
    “And I also heard that he has a real bunion! Like on his foot! How disgusting! He also sucks at holding hands! No one would ever want to hold his dumb, sweaty hand! And thank the stars, I’m so glad that those hands will never write another stupid article for the Bunion. I hope after he graduates he sits up at night, thinking about the days when he was on top of the world, until he sadly cries out, saying —-“
    OH, COME ON, DEAR READER, WHAT IS IT? You’ve been trying to talk over me this entire time! What is it that can’t possibly wait until I’ve finished speaking? Come on, out with it! God forbid I take the time to say all of the things out loud that you’re too afraid to say to me yourself!
    …Oh, what’s that? That IS what you were going to say to me? Word for word, you say? Well, alright then. I guess we’re on the same page.

Kevin Flynn
Founder Emeritus