New Stories Every Class Day, Hopefully

A Letter From The Editor

image

Dear Reader,

    I think it’s time that we sit down and have a chat. The passage of t—- oh, sorry dear reader, I can tell you’ve already got something you want to say but I was hoping you’d let me talk first during this chat. There’s some things I have to get off my chest. Won’t you wait until I’ve said my piece? Here, let me start over.
    The passage of time can show great contrast between the start and finish of any journey. The Bunion first arrived at Boston University quite meekly before building a loyal group of followers who whispered its name and its many deeds across campus. Some might say that in this way, there’s a part of the Bunion that is also deeply a part of me as well.
    I now st—- wait, hang on, dear reader. What’s that? No, no I’m not trying to say I have an actual bunion. Please let me finish. And stop spreading that rumor. It’s not doing me any favors.
    I now stand at the precipice of graduation, looking back at all of the things I’ve accomplished with the help of this publication — which just so happens to bear the name of a foot-borne ailment that I do not actually have — and in the past year, many people have seen me along on my way and said things like "Kevin, you must be so proud of the Bunion!", and "Are you really the person who created the Bunion?" and "Please take me to the window seat of a coffee shop and hold my hand beneath the table so that I can properly display my affection to you!" I have said yes to all of these things.
    But recently, people have been saying different things to me on the street. In the past month, people have said things like "Are you nervous about graduating?", and "Do you know what’s going to happen to the Bunion after you’re gone?" and "You held my hand so sweetly under the table at that Starbucks just like I asked you to, why did you never call me afterwards?"
    I have not known what to say to any of these things.
    Regardless of what exactly is said, the faces are the same: painted with poignant disbelief of my imminent departure from Boston University. An unspoken bouquet of disappointment that next year’s iteration of life at BU will be noticeably Kevin Flynn-less. Faces that almost say, "Please don’t go!"
    But I say th—- wait, please, dear reader. Don’t interrupt me. Yes, I know it’s been five paragraphs already. Yes, I realize it’s seven including those short one-line paragraphs. I’m going somewhere with this. Please be patient.
    But I say that I think you’re all full of shit. Yes, that’s right, dear reader, I don’t buy any of it. Don’t lie to me. You may furrow your brow and grimace at the mention of my exit, but I can sense what you feel deep down just by looking at you. You’re just counting down the seconds until you’re free of my journalistic iron grip.
    Go ahead, admit it! What’s wrong, too cowardly to say what you really feel right to my face? Well, since y—- God, hold your tongue, dear reader! That was rhetorical! Don’t actually answer the question, I’m trying to make a point!
    Well, since you won’t tell me how you really feel about my eventual leave, it well suits me on the last day of my editorship of this publication to be the vessel of the deep-rooted truth of what people really think of me. I can sense that you all just want to say things like:
    “Boo! What’s that, you say? Poor old Kevin Flynn is finally kicking the academic bucket and joining the ranks of the working-class slog? Good riddance, I tell you! The university will be better off without him! Not to mention the Bunion will flourish once it’s free of him, what with all his sour editorial content and bumbling style of leadership! The dumb lout’s gotten a big head ever since they wrote that story in BU Today. Doesn’t he realize that we only liked the article about the girl in the dining hall and we’re just politely putting up with the rest until he leaves?”
    “What has he ev—-“ Oh, shut UP, dear reader! Don’t try to contradict the steaming hot truth I’m laying down in front of you! I can see it in your eyes that you’re just dying to say all of these things, so just sit back while I say them for you. Ahem.
    “What has he ever done for me, anyway? Nothing, besides throwing a bunch of advertisements in my face for his rotten tabloid and his equally detestable sketch comedy group! What are they called again, ‘Slow Boys at Work’? Who cares, I’ve never even seen them — but oh, how I rue them! I can’t help but count the days until his stupid voice and face are absent from my life and I can finally know respite from his incessant self-promotion. God forbid he invites me yet again to follow him on Twitter at https://www.twitter.com/flynncredible. He’s just a leech sucking on the neck of every person he’s ever met.
    “And his hair is weird!
    “And I also heard that he has a real bunion! Like on his foot! How disgusting! He also sucks at holding hands! No one would ever want to hold his dumb, sweaty hand! And thank the stars, I’m so glad that those hands will never write another stupid article for the Bunion. I hope after he graduates he sits up at night, thinking about the days when he was on top of the world, until he sadly cries out, saying —-“
    OH, COME ON, DEAR READER, WHAT IS IT? You’ve been trying to talk over me this entire time! What is it that can’t possibly wait until I’ve finished speaking? Come on, out with it! God forbid I take the time to say all of the things out loud that you’re too afraid to say to me yourself!
    …Oh, what’s that? That IS what you were going to say to me? Word for word, you say? Well, alright then. I guess we’re on the same page.

Kevin Flynn
Founder Emeritus

SHS Helps Relieve Finals Week Stress With Therapy Pit Bulls

image

MUGAR - Thanks to Student Health Services, pit bulls will now be made available at Mugar Library for anyone feeling the stress of exams and papers during finals week.
    Dog handler and SWAT team member Greg Johnson was pleased to hear that BU was interested in renting out the dogs for the day.
    “I needed the extra time to get these deep gashes stitched up,” he said while holding a tourniquet to his forearm.
    “There’s just something special about pit bulls,” said Mugar librarian Donald Altschiller while adjusting some particularly thick gardening gloves. “The dogs really like to get close to the students.”
    “I think it wants to eat me,” whispered Mary Abrahms (CAS ‘14), one of the first students to experience the finals week upgrade.” No, seriously — do you hear that noise it’s making?”
    Library Access Services Assistant Ariel Barnes reportedly loves the sound that pit bulls make.
    “It’s kind of like a purr,” she explained, “but two decibels deeper. And there’s a little bit of a wet snarl in there. It’s adorable.”
    Sources confirmed that students are especially happy with the dogs’ ability to shred unwelcome memories of the school year into unrecognizable confetti.
 ”A golden retriever puppy simply can’t rip your Algebra 2 textbook in half with its bare teeth,” continued Barnes. “But our pit bulls can decimate old assignments in a matter of seconds.”
    “Plus, BU Sustainability is ecstatic about the compost,” Altschiller chimed in with a wink.
    Jerry Stevens (SMG ‘16), the second student in line for therapy dogs, added, “Wait? It ate my thesis? I wrote that on a typewriter! I seriously don’t have a -”
    At press time, the end of the year crowding issue at Mugar has been cleared up.

Student Farts For 45 Minutes Following One-Night Stand

image

WEST CAMPUS – Following a one-night stand in which a girl only remembered as “Katie” wound up sleeping at his place, Mark Stevens (COM ’15) reportedly couldn’t stop farting for nearly a full hour.
    “It was miserable,” a visibly distraught Stevens said, pulling his shirt over his nose to avoid gagging as he sprayed his bedroom with Febreeze.  “I figured Katie would’ve been gone when I woke up this morning, but instead she wanted to stay and cuddle under the covers.”
    Stevens admitted that as time dragged on he became so bloated he feared his stomach would burst.
    “Eventually, I had to let a couple go – but I couldn’t for what seemed like days.”
    According to a recent survey conducted by Student Health Services, Stevens’ symptoms are not uncommon.  In recent months, thousands of male students have reported extreme gassiness and bloating following one night stands, causing some to refrain from having sex altogether.
    “Sure sex is good and all but what’s more important?” asked Curt Revere (CAS ’16).  “Getting laid, or relieving what would be hours and hours of abdominal discomfort?”
    According to Stevens, at one point he entered an adjoining bathroom to try to pass gas a little, but the risk of being heard was too high.
    “I tried to run the sink and flush the toilet to cover the noise,” explained Stevens.  “I even planned on coughing a little, but it was no use.  I just had to pinch my cheeks together and head back out there.”
    In Stevens’ case, despite efforts to keep everything “in-house,” he admitted that some gas did slip out, and in not-so-silent fashion. 
    “Have you ever tried to spray whipped cream on something but only a little air squeaks out?  It sounded like that,” Stevens reasoned, patting himself on the back for making such an obscure reference. 
 Despite being extremely stressed throughout the situation, Stevens was reportedly even more amazed that Katie didn’t have to “let one rip” the entire time.
   “We drank Natty Light and Burnett’s for like, six straight hours last night,” recalled Stevens, scanning Wiki Answers for anything with the title ‘Do girls fart?’  “Like really, she’s human too, right?”
    At press time, Stevens was popping an entire box of Pepto Bismol in preparation for another party tonight.
 
 

BU Rents Out Massachusetts for Senior Week

image

MASSACHUSETTS – Boston University has rented out the entire state of Massachusetts to accommodate Senior Week 2014, sources confirm.
    “This year is going to be the biggest and best Senior Week in Boston University (and the Commonwealth of Massachusetts)’s history,” said event coordinator Dana Sharper. “We want students to look back on everything, from their first steps into the Worcester George Sherman Union as freshman, to their graduation rehearsal at South Yarmouth Nickerson Field.”
    “And all of the wonderful times in between,” she continued while addressing the student body via megaphone from atop the Wachusett Mountain Ski Resort. “Let’s have some fun!”
    Students can expect a swath of events ranging from the Holbrook SAC Gym Dance to an exclusive tour of the Basketball Hall of Fame in Springfield, both of which will be held on Tuesday, back-to-back.
    “Of course I’m excited!” said Jeff Wenger (CAS ’14). “The Somerville Bar Takeover alone is worth it, but coming there right after a nice picnic on the Cape sounds even better.”
    Officials recommend students bring enough clothes for a 10-day trip “to be safe,” as well as camping gear and water purifiers.
    “I don’t expect there to be any problems,” declared President Robert Brown, speaking to reporters aboard his yacht, Give Me Liberty, or Give Me Debt. “Senior Week is meant to be the last hurrah for the class of 2014, and I’m confident it will go swimmingly.”
    “Of course, if students have difficulty crossing the Nashua River on their way to the Marblehead Mini-Golf Madness on Day 3, that’s their problem,” Brown said while reclining in his ostrich-lined armchair.
    Student Activities will also be organizing trans-county scavenger hunts, as well as wine tastings and movie screenings inside the Federal Reserve Bank.
    “The entire Massachusetts population has been nothing short of supportive,” said Dean of Students Kenneth Elmore, while grilling hamburgers at Walden Pond in Concord. “BU seniors deserve the absolute best, and that’s what they’re getting.”
    “Now who wanted cheese on theirs?” he inquired, checking his phone for directions to the next Meet n’ Greet in Northampton.
    At press time, Massachusetts Governor Deval Patrick was seen taking his turn on the Interstate 495 Slip n’ Slide.

The Bunion Endorses Insomnia Cookies for Student Government

image

BOSTON – It is with great pride and confidence that The Bunion officially endorses Insomnia Cookies as the slate of choice for Boston University’s Student Government. 
    The men and women of Insomnia Cookies, without receiving any special treatment beyond the agreed-upon terms, earn our support by being firm enough to tackle the university’s many issues, yet soft enough to crumble just right in a cool glass of milk.
    They deserve not only your votes, but also your unwavering loyalty. And your convenience points.   
    “In this time of crisis, with tuition hikes and poor student representation, Boston University needs a slate that will listen to everyone’s concerns, even until 3 A.M. on a weeknight,” said Insomnia Cookies spokesperson Chip DeSugar. “We’ll take every one of your voices into account, even if only a baker’s dozen listened to you before.” 
    “Our government will hand-deliver the student body’s demands in 30 minutes or less,” DeSugar declared, pausing to graciously wipe spittle and crumbs from his face with a napkin. “That’s a guarantee.”
    The Bunion, again, with no prompting from any monetary exchange, agrees wholeheartedly with every proposition from In$omnia Cookie$, the best choice to lead BU in 2014 and beyond. 
    “It’s difficult to comment right now,” confessed Kevin Helms, The Bunion’s editor-in-chief. “I’ve never held this much money in my hand at once.”
    “I think these are gold? Diamond, maybe?” Helms continued, as he put on several bejeweled rings, all of which remain part of the perfectly legal exchanges outlined in the agreed-upon terms. 
    Though some students may believe that a corporate sponsor does not hold their interests in high regard, we ask you to rethink that belief while munching on this delicious double chocolate mint chip-flavored circle of mouthwatering goodness.
    There you go. Feel better? We do.
    At press time, everyone is hankering for some $weet, $avory cookies and knows just the place to go.  

The Bunion to Endorse Whichever Student Government Slate Pays Us First

image

BOSTON—In the lead-up to Wednesday’s Student Government elections at Boston University, The Bunion will endorse the political slate most qualified to drop off a briefcase filled with cash in a dark alley behind the newspaper’s office building.

“There are a lot of really important issues facing the student body, like the rising cost of education and an administration deaf to student demands,” said Kevin Helms, The Bunion’s editor-in-chief. “The Bunion is committed to supporting the politicians who can most effectively stuff our pockets with stacks of cold, green cash. Oh, and who can also fix problems, or whatever.”

Two government slates — BU’s Push to Start and True BU— have proposed varying platforms, but both parties have stressed needed reforms to student government.

“We really want students to have greater access to those representing them,” said True BU representative Alexander Golob (CFA ’16). “The decisions we will make can really change things, so the students should have access to a transparent governing body.”

The proposals outlined by BU’s Push to Start include creating a database of student talent accessible by community members.

“We want to set up a keyword-searchable ‘human capital network’ on the Student Government website,” said presidential candidate Richa Kaul (CAS ’16). “This would be a database of student talent, a resources that fosters mutually beneficial partnerships.”

Both slates were communicated by The Bunion on Monday, and told to leave as many greenbacks as possible in a dark alley by 9 p.m. on Tuesday.

“BU’s Push to Start should really start pushing cash into our pockets,” Helms said. “I can’t think of a clever line regarding True BU and bribery, but suffice to say they should also give us some dough.”

At press time, a complacent student body was unaware of the importance of voting in this or any election.

Sorority Girl Can’t Stop Talking About How Sober She Was Last Night

image

WEST CAMPUS—Sources confirmed Sunday that a sorority girl has full recollection of the debauchery at Saturday’s Fratalina Wine Mixer, and has not hesitated to share her memories with peers.

“Oh my god, I was SO sober last night,” Ashley Stein (CGS ’16) said to her friend, Amy Walker (COM ’16). “Like, I literally remember everything.” 

Walker, who went a little too wild at the Rugged Loggers and Sexy Joggers party on Saturday, seemed worse for wear during the exchange. Witnesses said they saw Walker eating plain toast and shielding her face from any and all light.

“Ow, your sweatshirt is so bright,” Walker said. ”I’m gonna yack.”

Stein said Saturday’s party was a great sober experience that made her weekend.

 “I was singing, dancing and having the time of my life,” Stein said. “They kept bringing water bottles to our table, and I think we all know where the night went from there.”

“I woke up on a rooftop in Allston,” Walker retorted while struggling to bypass the child lock on her Advil bottle.

Still, Stein was unrelenting in sharing the details of what she described as an “insane” night.

“My friends and I made sure to stick together the whole night and I know exactly how I got home,” she said. “I didn’t worry for a second about swiping into my dorm.”

Stein said she experienced temporary confusion when she awoke promptly at 9 a.m. the next morning to find a man in her bed. But she quickly realized it was Zach Berg (CAS ’16), her boyfriend of one year. Stein then gently stroked his head while whispering, “I love you.”

“I woke up today feeling better than I have in a long time,” Stein said. “I felt refreshed, rejuvenated, and ready to approach the day with tenacity and vigor.”

At press time, Stein was ironing and returning the sweatshirt she borrowed the previous night and making posters for her sorority’s charity event. Walker, on the other hand, was seen vomiting on New Balance Field during soccer practice.

Condom Fairy Not What Expected

image

WARREN TOWERS – A Warren resident is still traumatized after catching a glimpse of the Condom Fairy late last night, sources report.
    A visibly upset Vanessa Collins (SED ’17), under the impression that the Condom Fairy resembled a mystical, safe sex-promoting elf, described what she saw instead as “just some guy wearing a blue polo and khakis.”
    “This is worse than the time I found out about Santa Claus,” admitted Collins through her heavy sobs, recalling the repressed memory which had defined her seventh grade school year. “So much worse.”
    “He wasn’t even trying to play the part. He didn’t place the box down gently with care, or throw any touches of glitter in the air. None!” she squealed, pausing to blow her nose.
    Roommate Maura Tierney (SMG ’17) confirmed that Collins still hasn’t stopped crying.
     “It’s been horrible ever since she learned that the Condom Fairy wasn’t actually real,” complained Tierney. “At least now I know why she had all those Dragon Tales DVDs.”
     Student Health Services employee and “Condom Fairy” Mark Saunders apologized for the confusion.
     “I guess I just assumed that these college kids were old enough to know that fairies didn’t exist,” he said, popping open a bag of Cheddar Cheese Pretzel Combos. “But you know what they say about assuming!”
    However, after talking with Collins, Saunders vowed to make an effort to act “more like a Condom Fairy should.”
     “We could all stand to do a bit better at our jobs,” he said. “If that means providing students with ‘real’ Condom Fairies then we’ll do what we can.”
    At press time, Saunders was studying YouTube videos of Kirstie Alley and Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson’s respective performances as the Tooth Fairy. 

SHA Alumnus Turns Down For What

image

University Begins “Don’t Text and Walk” Initiative After Four-Man Pileup

EAST CAMPUS — Reports confirm that following a surge in pedestrian collisions on Commonwealth Avenue, members of the University have begun a campaign to stop the prevalence of cases of texting while walking.
    “We won’t stop until we see every perpetrator brought to justice,” declared Brian Roberts (SMG ‘15), president of SAFETY [Students Against Feeling Endangered by Texting Youths]. “I was walking behind one just today—she was swerving across the entire sidewalk.”
    Student Health Services reports that following a four-man pileup early yesterday, there were zero serious injuries and one case of stubbed toes.
    “She hit me out of nowhere,” said victim Anna Meyers (COM ’16), nursing her foot in the SHS waiting room. “She knocked the Starbucks right out of my hand!”
    Coupled with Ugg-to-Ugg traffic at peak class-time hours, distracted walking is becoming a highly dangerous epidemic.  
    “Reports of reckless walking have been becoming more and more frequent across campus,” says Roberts. “Five collisions have occurred this week alone, and the numbers are rising. The student body demands action.”
    “BU is hereby enacting a zero-tolerance policy regarding Distracted Dawdling,” said University President Robert Brown in an e-mail to the BU community. “We are urging all students and faculty to put their feet down, but not before they put their phones safely away.”
    Details on the Don’t Text and Walk initiative can be found on the SAFETY official website, stoptextingyouths.bu.edu.
    At press time, President Brown was seen playing Words With Friends on his morning Dunkin’ Donuts run.